Coach Country Girl

MmmKay. So I signed the boy twerps up to play flag football starting every Saturday in March. Why? Cause I am bored and do not have enough on my plate. Historically, I am opposed to outdoor sports. I do not like the variable of weather - which inevitably leads to me either sweating (which is against my religion so you basically can't make me do it) or obtaining frizzy hair due to rain (which is against your religion so I can't do that either). As you can see, it is quite the predicament.

So I make my spawn play indoor sports to enhance my ease and level of comfort. It's just the kind of mom I am. Love and accept my faults.

Anyhoo, in a moment of insane CRAZINESS and possessed by sport demons, I must have checked the box to be a coach. A football coach. For boys. On a team.

Begin the prayer and fasting.

So when I got the below email that began like this....

Hi Coach's,

Just a friendly reminder about the Coaches meeting that is
scheduled for this Sunday, Feb. 28th @ 1:30pm.

The details for the meeting are below.

Please reply to this email to confirm 2 things:

1. Will you be attending the meeting?

2. What t-shirt size will you need?

Thanks and see you Sunday!

I passed out.

When I came to I pulled myself together. I mean seriously, HOW HARD CAN IT BE? They are 4 and 5 year olds! I can teach them what I know -- which is this...

1. One kid puts the ball between his legs and throws it to the Quarter back (please notice the correct name I gave this kid. I will save this for practice #3. It is more advanced)
2. The Quarter Back then throws the ball to another kid way down close to the in zone (again, football vocab abounds within me)
3. That kid should catch it
4. And run
5. Cross the line and we get points
6. As a bonus someone can kick a field goal (for 3 more points) Maybe?

Defense -- stop them from doing the above. Amen.

Okay, I feel better. I think I have it all under control. Then I read on...

I have attached a few documents for your review. You will find our coaching standards and rules. We want your experience with us to be as rewarding for you as it is for our players, so just relax and let's have some fun. (HOW SWEET. I love this person already!)

I have listed your name below and the division you are setup to coach. (I am in the Beginner Section. I am feeling better already)

Please reply to this e-mail and let me know if you would like to co-assist with another parent and I will collect your birth date and shirt size. (That seems a little personal. And can I have a baby doll tee? Preferably Pink. I can bedazzle it myself.)

You will then be ready for the coach's exam. (PUMP THE BREAKS. Insert me passing out once more.)

You are now ready to take the Coaches Exam. If you have already taken the exam from a prior season, you do not have to take it again. You are already certified. -Please go to the following link. There will be no retests.

If I send you the link can we take it together? Can I just say I made a mistake? Can I join the National Guard and get deployed? They have to legally let me out of my obligation. HAVE YOU SEEN FOOTBALL DADS? They are serious? VERY SERIOUS! Maybe I can start a cheerleading group for the team. OR I CAN BE THE CHEERLEADING GROUP! Yes, THAT IS WHAT I WILL DO. I will be the cheerleading coach. I will say I thought the box was for a 4 and 5 year old coach to CHEER! I already have my pom poms and boom box. Are you ready for this? Dunt Dunt Dunt Dunt Dunt Dunt Dunt. JAZZ HANDS.

Stay tuned.....