Crow's Feet Have Inhabited My Face

This is me. Last year. Young. Flawless. The epitome of youthfulness. Crow's Feet undetectable. {sigh}

This was me before red eye flights and travel -- which have added a few fine lines. But nothing. NOTHING compared to what happened to me this weekend.

Nothing compared to the affects of 12 year old girls singing all the High School Musical Songs at the top of their lungs for 2 hours straight. And my sweet smooth skin did not stand a chance against jazz hands at 7 in the morning or sporadic dancing in the bowling alley. All I am sayin is I might have taught those girls the Electric Slide, but things on me were boogie wooging that didn't 20 years ago.

But the mother of all aging processes - the king of all wrinkles - hit when me when I saw all the girls huddled on the bed -- GAMBLING to Uno. Help me Kenny Rogers!

I will be out of pocket over the next 2 days. I am at a spa being stretched, nipped, and tucked. Okay, not really. But in my dreams I am. I am actually looking for my battery charger so I can down load ET's birthday pics -- so you can join me in my cougar appearances.

For the love of sweet Jesus, I need more people to join my team.

Jump! For Your Love!

The whole family joins in this nightly ritual... We climb as high as we can ...stretch out...and leap into the safety of IJ's arms.

Even BT has joined in the leap of faith. I thought to myself, wow -- let's see if IJ can catch me.

Some ideas are better off not executed.

Call Me Aunt Country Girl: I Hide My Face in Shame

I love these spawn of mine. They bring joy. Restore hope. Refresh purity. Define innocence. Reflect pride. And make me hide my face in shame and call myself their Aunt. Cause when I looked over and saw this...I KNEW what was about ready to happen....

It was like a slow motion movie and I ran and screamed Nooooooo---But alas, it was too late.

Heaven help me. I WANTED GIRLS!!!!

Halloween Was Canceled

This year's Halloween was much anticipated.

And there is always some decision making -- Hill Billy Monster? (AKA His Mother)

Oh Lord --

Heaven's to Betsy!

But alas, we fell back on the safe predictable super heroes. And we attended a little dinner party before the actual trick or treat experience. And I had to pull an executive decision. It was a tough one, but I really was left with no other choice -- cause Middle Twerp must have drank the adult punch due to his nine-kinds-of-crazy behavior. And I mean NINE KINDS OF CRAZY.

So after many warnings, I had to follow through. Trick or Treat was canceled for Middle Twerp.

We came home and passed out candy while Baby and Eldest Twerp went door-to-door. Was it sad? YES Did it break my heart? ABSOLUTELY! Would I do it again? I would have to.

But for every candy bar he gave away, he ate one.

And I had two. Please don't judge me.

I Have Bore an Arsonist

It is an unfortunate event, but I bore a child into this world without a brain. I am unsure if he had it at birth and then lost his ever loving mind -- or if the absence of this mass was a genetic defect passed down from his maternal side.

Either way, it ain't there.
Now looks? He got a double dose of those -- from the maternal genetic side too, right? Hello? Hello? (crickets). But sometimes I have to look at him and say, Thank you Lord Jesus for giving him looks. Cause he is gonna need it.
Cause today? He pulled the fire alarm at school. And evacuated hundreds of children and had firemen responding to his cries for attention.

He's so cute. That is all I can say. And he might not live to see tomorrow.

I Wanna Wake Up In A City That Doesn't Sleep

I have finally found a city that can keep up with me -- that caters to me -- that loves and accepts me for who I am.

One that does not judge me for wearing yellow paisley tights or my hair a little too big. One that thinks pink is the new black and the higher the heels the better. One that likes the fact that we all have our own smile and our distinguishing laugh.

I have found my soul mate in the city of NYC. We are destined for one another. It is like God placed us in the cosmic void to love one another -- it is serendipitous.

So since I will frequent this new lover of mine often, I decide to set some dates with him --

First, Serendipity. Oh my thighs cried out in glory as I devoured the Frozen Hot Chocolate.

and not just any frozen hot chocolate PEANUT BUTTER frozen hot chocolate. If anything in this world is destined for one another (other than me and NYC) it is peanut butter and chocolate. My like handles turned in to love handles. Amen.

Then I spent some time with Rand. She is my NYC BFF. And she epitomized everything about a NYC woman. She epitomizes everything I am not. She is smart - super smart. Independent - she rides the subway everyday. She has green boots and looks hot in them. She dresses like she just threw it on, but always looks amazing. She smells like life. Spending three seconds with her makes you embrace opportunity. Make you wish you could do it all over again. She knows every corner bar in Brooklyn. Can tell you what to order at a steak joint and a Peruvian pub.

Do they have Pubs in Peru? See why I need her?!? Anyhoo, I love her. I really really do.

And she introduced me to this new thing in my life called Ceviche. I had a wonderful friend tell me about it last year. And I thought he was kidding me -- raw meat in lime juice??? Oh, only if I would have listened to him. Only if I could turn back time...if I could find a way....I take back all the doubt. I am so sorry Ceviche Friend. I am so sorry I ever doubted you. I owe you some raw meat in lime juice and a hug. Cause Ceviche is the new lover of my soul.

Now my love handles and LUST handles.

The tuna was my fav...but I also sucked down the halibut and the shrimp and calamari and scallops and I licked the bowls. But we don't need to get into the details. They are of the devil.

Next on my list of dates with NYC was 5th Ave. Some may call it 5th Ave -- I call it "Entering the Pearly Gates and Walking on Streets of Gold" for short.

Prada, Louis Vuitton, Bergdorf Goodman...never heard of it? Me either. Until I walked in and went to the 5th floor. Oh heaven help my troubled soul. They had a FEATHER COAT. Did you hear me? A FEATHER COAT? It matched my pink boa I use to dance with in the living room when Dancing with the Stars in on -- you do it too, right?

Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? TAP TAP Anyone? {insert crickets}

Anyhoo, next time we have planned a show, ice skating at Rockefeller Center, and Coney Island.

This is the start of a beautiful friendship.

Amen.

We Embody Seriousness. We Are At One With Meditation. {Snort}

At our home, we believe the supper table is a sanctuary. A holy place to teach manners, structure, and obedience. We embody these at the sanctity of the supper table.We often spend hours in silence just mediating on the beauty of nature and the human spirit. We believe in meditation.

And silence. And seriousness.Amen.We value the holiness of the day and sit in peace. At one with ourselves.No slurping or fidgeting.That would be unheard of. We mainly keep our eyes closed to prevent distractions and annoyances.And no laughing. Ever. That would be unheard of. Cause we are too busy being serious. As a matter of fact, this is Serious Twerp.

He is also known as Manner Twerp. What? You have never met him?

Neither have I. But this one?!?!?
Lord only knows what we are going to do with her.

Help Me Rhonda

If there were ever a child to be named PERSONALITY it would be this one. Nothing is ever done "normal" or quietly or status quo. Nope -- he has a face for everything. I tell you, this is not coached -- it happens naturally.

I have no idea where this comes from. All we have ever said is SMILE.

He was born with expressions -- with animation -- with pizazz.

He is just like his daddy.Amen.

Operation Lie About Your Age So You Can Ride A Horse; Please Don't Judge Me

I have been to NYC, DC, and Tennessee this past week. The first were for work, but when I landed Friday night I said to myself, SELF -- you deserve a vaca. And then she responded back Honey Child, YES YOU DO. I just love my SELF. She always knows what I need. So I didn't even unpack, I just loaded up my spawn and we were east bound a truckin. Now let me pause and say, if ever you might possibly be prone to judgement...this would be the post to let it be unleashed. Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have performed atrocious parenting skills and lacked judgement with the next generation. In the words of Michael, "The Children are our future. Teach them well and they will lead the way." Uhm, yeah. I failed. But in my humble need for acceptance and love, please lock the judgement away. Please let the love flow. Last time I took a mini vaca there was drama. Please stop laughing. Exsqueeze me? You're not surprised. What? We went horseback riding and Baby Twerp was not old enough to ride. Since that day (and I am talking EVERY DAY) he has reminded us that the only thing he wants from his life is to go horseback riding. And a life free of water but that is a story for another day.

Anyhoo, when we arrived in the Smokey Mountains we soon found out the age limit for horseback riding was 5. Uhm....5. BT is 4. Houston we have a problem.

So we broke out into Operation Lie About Your Age. We woke the boys up and said WHO WANTS TO PLAY A GAME TODAY? TODAY WE ARE GONNA PLAY BT IS 5. And BT and MT are twins. Got it? They nodded. I thought we were done.

Little did I know, my Baby has a conscience. It must come from his father's side.

When we arrived I could tell the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

This look was the look of moral conflict. I knew our plan was about ready to crash before us.
I gave him a shout out -- BT? Remember our game. Then I called a guy coming out of the barn over to him. They had a little discussion and then I heard wailing and gnashing of teeth.Baby Twerp came running over screaming I TOLD HIM I WAS FOUR. I TOLD HIM. WAHHH AHHHH AHHHA AHHHH. I DIDN'T PLAY THE GAAAAAAMMMMMEE. IJ tried to console him. It's okay. Don't worry it is fine.I was not at my best. YOU DID WHAT? HELLO GET IN THE GAME BT. YOU ARE 5. SAY IT. SAY IT!!! (i kid i kid -- kinda)

It was all consuming for the child. He walked back up -- I WAS JUST KIDDING. I'm really 5 --can I ride. The people just smiled and put him on a horse. Thank you Lord Jesus. It took him awhile to warm up. But we were ready to ride.

The only thing that made it worse was BT was up by the guide... talking. TALKING. And all i could hear every once in a while was TWINS -- GAME -- FIVE.
Then Middle Twerp would turn around in a loud voice and say -- YEP THAT'S RIGHT WE'RE TWINS. Both FIVE. I was still born first and all -- BUT BOTH FIVE. RIGHT MOMMA? (wink wink)
And this one -- this one glared her judgement at me. She hurts. She hurts.

I was keeping myself preoccupied with this. I made him call me Little Missy and tip his hat my way. I also said WHY I DO DECLARE. quite often. It has not affect on him. He rides on a steel horse. He is wanted. Anyone? Anyone?

Anyhoo -- even through all the trauma and lies and deceit and grand parenting -- this child had the TIME OF HIS LIFE. ALL 5 years of it.

I have now went ahead and enrolled us all in therapy. Cause when we went to putt putt where 4 and under are FREE -- I said I have one 4-year-old. BT piped up NO MOMMA. I AM 5!

Heaven help us.

My Answers. Cause I Love You.

Well Lord have mercy on your sweet precious souls. I have not stayed true to my word. But I have good reason... I was trapped under something heaven and I broke a heel and I ran out of Dr Pepper Lip Gloss and coffee....and (GASP) wine. And in all honesty I am in DC and I just left NYC and I think I am jet lagged. The time difference is atrocious and hard to deal with.

Please still love me. I crave acceptance. And peace. And an end to world hunger. And Dr Pepper Lip Gloss for all. But that is another story for another time.

Anyhoo -- you all had questions. And You know what I gots -- RIGHT? Ding Ding Ding ANSWERS!

Now I am not claiming they are accurate answers, but again no need to get into the details. The fine print is not relevant here. We are large print people here.

So here I go -- answers to your burning questions. Cause I love you.

Scrappy Girl said...
What would you do if you were going to New Orleans on Halloween?

I would eat. Oh honey would I ever eat. Of course I would also do this if I went there on Valentine's Day or the Fourth of July or Rosh Hashanah or Leap Year Day or The Year of the Dragon. So that is not really specific

Oh I know -- I would totally wear a feather mask with sequins and look alluring. I know you would think pink, right? But no. Most definitely turquoise. It would bring out my love handles. Which would be growing by the minute. Amen.

Tracie said...
How are you managing all the travel with the twerps schedules?

Not great. IJ and I are adjusting our schedules to meet the needs. And we hired a sweet angel sent from heaven above to be our "night time" nanny. And I love her with my whole heart. But she leaves for China in January. I am trying to tell her it is a communist country -- she does not listen. Come December I will burn her passport. On accident. I kid. I kid. Probably.

Oklahoma Granny said...
What is your favorite movie of all time?

Oh this is easy schmezzy beautiful cover girl. JUNO. Yes most definitely no questions about it. Oh and WHEN HARRY MET SALLY. And the PRINCESS BRIDE. and SANDLOT and DEFIANTLY MAYBE. I think that says is all right there.

Linda said...
Oh and I know you can't wait for the birthday to give the present so spill it!

IJ's birthday is Monday? Is this the birthday you are referring to? No? Eldest Twerp? Ohhhhhh -- we have narrowed it down to two choices -- bowling or sleepover. And NO we cannot do both. I am cruel and evil like that. Muhwahahahahaha.

Alyssa said...
Do you watch T.V. at all? If so what are your favorite shows - any reality T.V. addictions?

I don't watch it much but my "musts" are House, Grey's Anatomy, Brothers and Sisters, and the World News with Charlie Gibson. Also, anything with George Stephanapolous - cause he secretly has a crush on me. He just has not realized it yet.

What are your favorite children's books?

Where the Red Fern Grows, On the Night You Were Born, and The Giver

Do you like to read? I know you are super busy - if/when you have time who are your favorite authors?

YES YES and YES. I like stories that inspire me...make me want to do more, be more, love more -- The Education of Little Tree, Marley and Me, My Sister's Keeper, Cosmo -- you know, the norm

If were stranded on a desert island with your family what three things would you want to have with you?

laptop with Internet access, camera, and curling iron/make-up -- and the last one is really for IJ, he would benefit from me having make-up and a curling iron...GREATLY benefit. And it would prevent him from leaving me for a coconut.

If you could take your family anywhere on vaca where would you go?

A mission trip to Africa to invest in others. Cause at the end of the day -- what is life all about? OTHERS

If you and IJ could go anywhere on vaca where would you go?

Probably the same -- but he would not say Africa. But this is my Q and A -- he will have to do his own. I don't share attention well.

What is one thing you have always wanted to do but haven't had the chance to?

Make a difference.

Melinda said...
Whats your favorite thing to cook?
Carrot Cake

Bailey said...
Hey CG,Thanks for writing such an entertaining blog! You have such a fun sense of humor and I think you have great ideas about teaching and raising kids. I can "hear" your accent when I read - and I love it!I was wondering if, being a country girl, you had/rode horses when you were growing up. Any experiences there to tell us about?If (when) you move to the country, do you plan on having horses, cows, goats, etc?I've had horses for 15 years, so when I think of country living, they're the first thing that comes to mind!PS: What's new with your job? :-)

Nope, no horse. Cows? Check. Pigs? Check. Chickens? Check. But no horses. But can I come to your house and ride them? I will bring the wine. Of course, it will be in a box but please don't judge me.

Dana and Daisy said...
Does IJ know how to fly airplanes? Have you ever flown with him? Would you let him fly your spawn around in an airplane?<3>

He does not fly airplanes, but I trust him enough to throw us all into one if he told me too. He would figure it out. If not, we would all burn in a firey crash. But I try to not focus on the negative. I am more of a glass half full kinda girl.

KBN Indiana said...
CG I so Love to read you Blog it is my Early Sat Morning Thing. Hope all is well since everyone asked about the Job. Are you going home for the Holidays or will everyone come to you?-- How Do you find the time with 3 kids to keep up with it all? Ar you sure you are not a Spawn of Satin??? I Kid !!!

We go home for Thanksgiving and my parents come down to us for Christmas.

I don't keep up with it all. I let lots go. Like I have given up on the battle of laundry. And painting my toe nails.

Am I the Spawn of Satan?!?!? IJ has been asking for genetic testing for YEARS.

mimi said...
I'm coming out of lurking to ask...Would you ever move away from the South? Or, have you ever lived anywhere else?

I was born in Kentucky and lived in Southern Indiana for 20 years. I moved to Oklahoma for 13 years and now am in the DEEP south. It fits my personality. Big hair, twang, and love for sweet tea. But I would be willing to go anywhere or do anything if I am making a difference.

Anonymous said...
last round i had questions about my resume and getting a new job... and i'm happy to report i got one!!! but it's a long way away, and i'll be moving my family 10 hours north of where we currently call home. what did you do to help your babies adjust? mine (5, 10 & 11) are excited, but i'm not sure they fully realize how their lives are going to change. thanks! xo

Oh sweetie how exciting. I will speak for me and all I can say is I am for sure you have all this thought through -- I did not. I stunk. But not like BO stunk. I just needed to clarify.

I thought I was all prepared for my move -- I packed, got shot records, turned off utilities, said good bye to friends -- ya know, everything on the list. But I forgot to PREPARE the kids. I told them. But I did not PREPARE them. I don't know if you ever really can fully. But I did not ever kinda little bit try. No siree bob. I stunk. But even worse than that I DID NOT PREPARE ME. It was wayyy more intense than I thought. If I had to do it over again, I would have slipped into a drug induced coma for 3 months. Instead? I blogged 3 times and day and fell in love with you all. Amen.

Marchelle said...
i just want to know when you are coming back to the land of milk and honey.and have you bought any cute new shoes lately?

Thanksgiving. And YES!!!! Wanna see em at Thanksgiving?

alisnwonderland@blogspot.com said...
is that your real hair? it's fabulous either way but is is real?i am a new blogger and i am trying to find new blogs to follow.i am seriously enjoying yours!!

Yes, it is real. And I only wash it for full moons and weddings. Cause I am lazy.

Gracie and DJ said...
Also, I am dying to know how is your fantasy football league going??On Pins and needles!
I weepeth. I weepeth. That is all I can say. Me and Jesus? Weepers.

theelizabethhighsmith said...
i found your blog from my friend Michele's blog (mama in high heels). After looking at your blog and realizing you don't use your real names on here, I had a weird dream where I met you and your family and learned their names. And their names were weird. And when I woke up and thought about the dream I realized how smart you were because who wants random strangers dreaming about you knowing you're real names. And then I realized how stupid I am because I put my whole stinking name in my blog title and url. And now I'm probably going to die. So I want to know if you know of any cute single boys who live in Atlanta who want to go out with me before I die? p.s. I'm sorry this is a novel versus a comment and i hope i haven't freaked you out i assure you I'm normal, scouts honor.

Oh my Heavens to Betsy. I love you. With all my heart I love you.

Anonymous said...
First of all the commenter above is not normal. That was all a set up so she could get you to meet up with her with some single man in Atlanta where she will probably murder you. I kid. I bet she's cute as a button.But, I need to know... 1) what are you doing for the birthday party; 2) have you given the gift already (we know you -- never a secret); 3) are you as funny in person or are you like a real dud and you are just a great writer; AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST -- 4) how is your job going?

Bday party? Bowling or Sleepover.

I have a gift in the "making"

I am a total geek in real live person. I snort and talk like a hick and way too LOUD and I spill wine. But I have nice shoes.

Hair Bows & Guitar Picks said...
Please tell me CG how is your job going?
Linda said...
How's the job?
CindyDianne said...
How's your job going, CG?
Jaime Mac said...
Country Girl - I'm SOOOO glad you're doing an "Ask CG", cuz I've really been wondering lately how your job is going?!

Why I do declare! I never thought anyone would ask me about my job. I wonder where that question came from?? So so random.

But since you asssskkkked.

First, I want to share with you so badly, but it is kinda hard for me. I really know who I am and all my faults. And I do not for a single second ever think that I am anything more than a simple country girl who happens to be at the right place at the right time quite often.

But I love my job. I love my boss. I love everything about it. But it is overwhelming. And kinda killing me. And I know i have a hard time saying no to people, but I also have a hard time not taking on the things that need to be taken on. So I was drowning. Loving it - but drowning.

And my boss in his infinite wisdom and glory saw it -- so he gave me the opportunity to bring a plan to our President and COO in NY. And I did. And I peed my pants. But just a little.

Anyhoo -- he then made a recommendation for me to hire a team of 5 to work for me across the nation. A team. A real true team. To love and share and grow and laugh and make a difference. A team.

And then he promoted me. Like really really promoted me. Like unbelievable promoted me. And I passed out. But when I woke up I bought a new pair of shoes. Cause I have my priorities straight and all.

So now I am interviewing and planning and preparing and I feel like I am pregnant -- with 5 new babies. And I am doing their offices in toile. I am also registering at Pottery Barn.

So that is my big news. I am so so so excited and humbled. Humbled that my boss believed in me and recognized me. I just wuvs him.

Anonymous said...
It's Wednesday...you told us you'd answer everything on Monday...what happened?
Please still love me. I have lots of issues.