Conversations with IJ

ME: What exciting and adventurous happened to you today?

IJ: Nothing much

ME: So what do you wanna do tonight that will be exciting and adventurous?

IJ: Whatever

ME: You want to paint my toenails?

IJ: Not so much

ME: You want to bake a 3 layer cake and bedazzle it with pink icing and gems? Then we can sing happy birthday to each other and blow out the candles and I can wrap up some random item in the house and give it to you as a present -- and while I am doing that you can run out to Ann Taylor and buy me a real gift -- with shoes. How about that?

IJ: We can

ME: What is up with the fact that I can talk for hours on end and say the longest sentences known to mankind and all you give me in return are 2-word sentences?

IJ: That's all I have to say.

ME: I know but don't you want to make things interesting? To feel the excitement of the day? To glitter things up a little?

IJ: No

ME: Well I love to embezzle a story

IJ: Embellish

ME: Huh? What? Come again?

IJ: Embellish. You love to embellish a story.

ME: That's what I said.

IJ: No, you said embezzle.

ME: Whatever. There is no difference. Embellish. Embezzle, Poe tate o's Poe tat o's. Details Schmetails.

IJ: That's why I use fewer words.

ME: Why?

IJ: I sound smarter.

ME: U hurt. Embezzler.

Wool Blankets and Boogy Boards For All

Every vacation leads to frivolous purchases. Something overcomes us all in which we think we will wear a mirror-jeweled wrap or marijuana necklace somewhere outside the confines of the resort. We all know our judgement is clouded by the fruity drinks and sun-soaked skin -- we cannot be held responsible.

I am certain everyone who has been to Mexico has one of those god-forsaken wool sante-fe blankets. And if you were feeling saucy (much like I often feel) - you got two, cause it was buy one get one half off and even south of the border we all KNOW that is a deal. No one is judgin.

But on this particular vaca my brain is a little wilted by the sun's rays and my judgement is in a cloud of Panama Jack -- and those Boogy Boards seemed like as good of an idea as a sea shell wind chime. But regret is a painful enemy. Soon the grand idea that these Boards might allow for a moment's piece and quiet for me to close my eyes and sip a fruity umbrella drink -- were squandered. Cause I heard "Maaaaaa? Come help me!"With that I rolled over, hiccuped and batted my eyelashes at Indiana Jones. It had no affect. So I pretended I was asleep and soon he was out in the ocean...being fatherly....while I lost my Mom of the Year award -- again.
And, as with everything IJ's athletic hands touch, it was a success.

And I heard giggles and squeals and fun for all.
Yeahhhh Daddy..... Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.....zzzzzzz.

All was good and glorious and the angels sang forth in praises....until....until....until....There was a near drowning. Then, it all went to hell in a hand basket. Here his cute yet persistent little self came. And he wanted momma. And he was using those eyes and those curls and he was not taking no for an answer.
Fine. Fine. Fine. But I am not getting my hair wet. Amen.

So off my awkward, can't-chew-gum-and-walk self went out into the ocean to most certainly endanger my child's life and alter the ecosystem with the likes of my massive Dr Pepper lipgloss application.But he asked for it. That is all I am sayin.Soon I heard IJ a hollering, "Honey? Honey? HOOOONNNNEEEYYYY?!??!?! YOU ARE DROWNING MT! HE IS UNDER THE BOARD." Ugh. Details Schmetails.
Mmmmkay -- the first forty eleven tries did not end up so well. Lord have mercy on our dear sweet salt water souls. But these spawn of mine are resilient, right?Hello? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

After many apologies and negotiations, we were determined to try one last time....

Soon we saw the "perfect" wave coming....And being the good and wholesome mother that I am, I threw myself into it with everything I had, sacrificing for my child.... hair and all.

And....Uhm WHAT?!?!?!?!?

I'm MELTING.....I'm MELTING! But my precious son was kinda like almost successfully surfing.

And I now have to go look for a good deal on a jeweled swimsuit wrap or wool blanket. Cause these vaca purchases are awesome!

Textversations With Indiana Jones

Just a few more days until Indiana Jones is home. We barely have time to talk while he is away cause his days are so long and he gets up at 4:30 am and while we COULD talk at that hour, well -- I think no explaination is needed. God understands.

Anyhoo -- IJ and I have text exchanges instead. Cause to me, it is like mini blogging. And what could be more natural and romantic and ordained by God?

So below -- our latest textversation. I think you will miss him too.........

~~~~~~~~~
gosh i love and miss you guys so much

where did that come from? if it helps not miss me so much - i have not shaved my legs all week.

just tired of being here. headed to tx rdhouse for supper

u don't know what i would do for some of those texas roadhouse rolls right now - and that butter? oh lord save my soul.

its good - way too may cards tho

cards?

carbs

oh -- if lovin carbs is wrong, i don't wanna be right. i balance my carbs w a side of bacon

these keys are too small

u have fat thumbs. i am sorry. but it is true. u have shrek thumbs

ok u r 2 fast

keep up baby. u married a younger woman. Mush. Mush.

this deployment makes me feel old

crows feet make me feel old. but i got some creme for that

oh whatever - u look as good as the day we got married

cause we got married in a fever - hotter than a pepper sprout. and i think i look better cause i have bigger hair.

me too - but no you had bigger hair then

seems impossible, but u know big hair is cute in far off cultures. like mars. i would be a smokin hot alien.

And with that, there was no response. I apparently have lost my ability to flirt.

Interview With An IJ

Indiana Jones is away. On military assignment. Protecting America and keeping the communist out of your backyard. He's a giver like that and all.

He has 16hour days, so when he can call it is for a short amount of time and he is so tired it is hard to even focus.

But tonight -- tonight my dear sweet precious friends I transcribed our conversation. Cause dag gone it, I am all about transparency and honesty. And he doesn't read this silly old blog -- I am fairly certain they have it blocked on the base too -- cause I could be a threat to security and all. Anyhoo -- a look behind the scenes. IJ: Uncut, Uncensored, and Raw. I like my men like I like my steaks.

Hey Sweet Honey Bunches of O's. What are you up to?
Just came back to my room and watching The Office. Some of these people remind me of you.

Do you miss me?
Oh yeah.

What do you miss most about me?
Just the normal day to day stuff. Just sitting around talking. Half heartedly listening to you talk too fast.

If you had to give an analogy for how much you miss me, what would it be?
Analogies really aren't my strength -- but for you, I'll try -- I miss you like BT misses cookies. And we all know he is a chubby kid.

Guess what?
What?

I wanted you to guess...
You bought a lama.

Okay, that was no fun-- I got 5th row seats behind first base with VIP dinner and club access to the MLB game Saturday night.
Wow, who are you you takin?

Uhm, I got 4 tixs so I am taking your spawn.
My kids?

Well, I mean we haven't done a paternity test of anything, but I am fairly certain...yeah.
Well, aren't you mom of the year?

Actually I lost that earlier this year when I let BT go to Pre K without underwear on - but no need to bring up the past. I like to think of myself as Woman Extraordinary of the Century -- with killer shoes
I can go for that

Yeah? What else can you go for?
More than you are willing to give

GASP! What?!? My Dr Pepper lip gloss? Oh wait. GASP GASP GASP! My three inch heels?!?!

Oh I ordered this new European Body Butter that makes my skin look like a 23 year old.
How much did that cost?

Uhm, a lot. But I don't think you can put a price on 10 years younger.
How much younger would the Equate stuff from Wal Mart make you look?

Only 2 years.
I like 2 years younger. A lot. It's more my zone.

Well, trust me -- this is worth it. You will not recognize me. You will think I am my daughter.
That's weird.

I think you're just jealous.
I think you should just use Equate.

If I were an animal what would I be?
A gazelle.

Why?
Cause they are innocent and clumsy.

You think I'm clumsy?
I wouldn't call you athletic.

It's cause I don't like to sweat. I'm more of a glistener.
You should change that feature about you.

What else should I change about me?
That you would use Equate

I love you. Hard to believe a 23 year old loves you, huh?
Yeah, especially since I am broke from spending money on body butter.

I love you poor man
I love you too crazy woman.

I Am Woman; Hear Me Roar

My inner peace has been disrupted. I have been thrust back into a life of laundry, dishes, and 3 inch heels. Oh how I long for the days of fruity drinks, sand, and bare feet. The beach is my soul's adobe. And I miss her -- like gravy missed mashed taters. Amen.

Anyhoo -- while I was on my Big Pink Fuzzy Heart with Glitter Vaca I was TRYING to rest and relax and do NOTHING -- cause I truly excel at those things. As a matter of fact, I am a master of rest and realization. Call me Master R&R. And Indiana Jones comes walkin my way and RUINS IT ALL.

He simply says, "Bet I can take you in tether ball!" At that point and time it is on like Donkey Kong.
I started off with a little smack talk -- Ya know -- get ready to be demolished, like toe polish. You are going DOWN -- like James Brown. You are gonna loose -- like a kangaroo.

Apparently, this did not phase him.

And soon, I realized I should really stop talking -- cause my smart mouth skillz were WAY BETTER than my tether ball skills.

I truly lack in the athletic ability.
God gave me a double dose of Southern Hick Talk and left out athletic ability.
But soon I realized -- IT IS NOT ME!

NO -- It couldn't be -- it was not my inferior ability to rock the beach in tether ball!

I was not LOSER!

NO -- NOT AT ALL!It was an unfair game. IJ had taken Middle Twerp on HIS team.

FOUL! FOUL! FOUL!

The deck was stacked.

The odds unfairly given.
This was not a match -- not at all!

Obviously IJ was intimidated by my sheer brawny strength and stellar athletic ability -- so he lured MT to be on his team. I can see why he was scared. I am quite intimidating.
I am practically a country girl prodigy when it comes to tether ball -- and then not to even mention my bulging muscles -- and sheer will to WIN!

OKAY -- So IJ won. 16 times. But OBVIOUSLY it was do to his own insecurities and fears of having a wife that is soooo much more advanced than he -- Right?

I Got THE Look

Welcome to Vaca 2009 - Lover of My Soul. Trip that makes my hiney tingle. Resort that makes my skirt fly up. Destination Big Pink Fuzzy Heart With Glitter! Today we took bike rides around our resort. And again, I would like to remind you lovely readers of the fact that I cannot chew gum and walk at the same time. Nor can I talk and tango simultaneously. Which is a travesty during Dancing with the Stars, but that is another story for another time.

Anyhoo, as we were bike riding Middle Twerp happened to pass two OLDER girls on the path. And he was trying to show off a little to get their attention -- doing a little snazz... Addin a little flair to his game and all... Ohhhh Girlllls...how you doin?And then suddenly, I heard a crash and a WAAAAIIIILL. Like weeping and gnashing of teeth kinda wail. But it was NOTHING compared to the Ohhhhs and Ahhhhs of the OLDER GIRLS.MT flashed a little of the lip and a sprinkin of the dimples and he has em eating out of his hand... There were so many hugs and sweeties comin from these OLDER girls I about passed out in a diabetic coma. The sweetness was just killin me. And he ate it up!

So this lead me to thinkin -- a very dangerous event in my mind....,
If MT got all that attention from OLDER girls by doing some tricks, what kind of attention could I get from Indiana Jones if I did some tricks.... What harm could be done....right?

I mean he might think I am kinda cute or at least give me some sympathy lovin. I will take whatever I can get -- I am starved for attention. Famished for a look. I am hungry as a hostage for some lovin. So I dazzled and wazzled and played it up --

And this is all I got.

I think it has "Come Hither You Hot Crazy Country Girl" written all over it, right? Hello? Anyone? Anyone?