Friday, May 11, 2007

Mortification Memoirs

I am honestly a very calm driver. I hardley ever get upset or have road rage -- but this was not the case this week. It all began on my way to work on the interstate. Everyone knows the far left lane is for the fast cars. If you are not passing people, you should not be in this lane...everyone knows this except rusty nissan pick-up with a camper topper thingy. Until further notice, we will call him RNPUWCTT. He was at the height of his speed -- going 45 in the fast lane. He was right beside a semi and would not pass him which blocked me. This was frustrating, but I was okay. I mean I would get to work soon enough and maybe his truck could not go any faster...who knows...So I was fine, I got behind the semi and was eventually passing the other cars in the fast lane. Then just as I was about to pass RNPUWCTT he whipped in front of me causing me to slam on my brakes. OH MY GOSH!!! I slammed on my horn, not letting go for a good 5 -7 seconds. I even made an ugly face, which I am sure he could not see through the camper topper, but still I thought his spirit man knew the evil face glaring at him. I was finally able to move to the fast lane and I could not wait to pass him. I was outraged. How dare he cut in front of me??? He was in the fast lane for nine thousand four hundrend and seventy seven miles...Why move over now? Why could he not wait for me to pass? There was NO ROOM between me and the semi (sorry mom, I was tailgating a semi)!!!!! Anyways, I was passing him and I wanted him to see me make the mean evil face. He was probably smoking, with kids, and they were probably standing up, not even in a car seat, and eating cokies and soda for breakfast...ugh! So, as I was saying I was passing him and I wanted him to see my evil glare, so to emphasize my anger I honked so he would look over...and to my dismay it was not a smoking, no carseat, bad nutritionalist dad, but a man who had the cheesist grin on his face and waving ENORMOUSLY at me. Then he mouthed "I AM SO SORRY.) I glanced to see him wearing a Boy Scout uniform (okay so it could have been a custodian shirt, but for my guilt purposes I am believing it was a boy scout uniform). Oh my gosh, we was on his way to lead a Boy Scout Troop or Pack or Herd or Flock or Whatever They Are. He probably could not afford anything but that beat up nasty car because he gave all his money to charity. He woke up so early that morning to teach young whippersnappers the art of knot tying in case they were ever stranded in the woods. The tears began to flow....(my mascara was smearing)... How could I be so insensitive -- I looked in my rearview mirror and thought for an instant that I could follow him to apologize -- then I second thought that he might call the police on me...I cried and began to pray...Lord, I suck...I am so bad...take money from my check and bless him with a new car...Let his Flock (Herd???) of Boy Scouts win the Best Boy Scout Award for the Coolest Leader in the World Award...I then looked in the rearview mirror and noticed how absolutely ugly I am when I cry -- am mean grotesquily disfigured-- I also had big white stripes down my face from the smeared make up and black Tammy Faye-TBN eyes. Yes, I realize I have been cruel to the molder of our future leaders -- forgive me Boy Scout Packs around the world..I salute you...your symbols of peace unite all people.

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