Friday, February 1, 2008

This Is A Test of The Emergency Blogcast System. This Is Only A Test

I love tests. I loved them in school. I love them as an adult. I loved them in my mother's womb. I love multiple choice tests, essay tests, blood tests, eye sight tests, fill in the blank tests, urine tests, drug tests, tests of the emergency broadcast system. Something about that beep is relaxing to me and makes me suck my thumb. I love tests. I would like to say they allowed me to assess my measure of learning and see my comprehension and mastery of certain subject areas. But in all honestly, I liked to feel superior when I received good grades. Good test scores were my goal, it was my measure of high. Nothing is better after a hard say at the office than to come home and snort a little norm referenced test materials. Ah, what a high. What? Don't knock it until you try it!

I have always been like this. I remember my state writing test in 8th grade. I could not wait to take this test. The preparation we underwent as a class to be successful was tremendous, and I loved every minute of it. I was like an Olympic runner at the start line, like a race horse ready for the gate to open. I had prepared and trained as much as possible and now I was ready to perform, to shine, to succeed. I was ready to prove once and for all, for the world to see, that I, Country Girl, at the mere age of 13 was an ADVANCED writer -- the norm referenced test would prove it -- for all to witness.

I woke up early and ate a good, healthy breakfast as instructed. I always found it strange that no one cared about my nutritional well being except on state testing day. I threw on my favorite Lacoste sweatshirt and stone washed jeans, rolled them up at the bottoms, slipped into my two toned scrunchie socks and finished the ensemble with my Eastlands with spiral shoestrings. I had my permed hair in a ponytail with two neon scrunchies and a batch of #2 pencils. I was perpared for battle.

The class was extra quiet that morning. We could sense the gravity of the situation. We were afraid if we opened our mouths, it would break open the vat of knowledge that had been poured into our minds over the past months. We all sat in silence anticipateing pouring all our wisdom onto the pages on the test protocol and then resuming our normal 14 year old lives.

I broke the seal on my test booklet, and my heart began to palpatate. What would the prompt be? Would it be persuasive? Cause I could talk anyone into kelly green and pink -- they were the color merge of choice in the late 80's. Would it be informative? I could tell you all about who was goiong out with who and why all white was never a good choice. Oh baby, bring it on...I was prepared. The seal ripped with easy under my freshly sharpened #2 pencil and as I turned the page, there is sat in all its beauty. My 8th grade writing prompt:

What has been the greatest invention in the last 100 years that has impacted people the most?

I had to blink serveral times to believe what I was seeing. Could it be this simple? There was only one answer that could possily fit here. I was sure to shine and soar into the Advanced category with ease. I was the keeper of the correct answer and I was about to share my knowledge with the Mensa members that read these tests. Oh, how proud I was about to make Mrs. Siveking. Oh, how I single-handedly would raise the scores of my class, my school, my district.

I began to write on the invention that had changed my life for the better, the invention that had solved all problems of the world, the invention that had propelled us into modern day and saved us from the world hunger, war, famine, and isolation......the telephone.

The time flew by. My freshly sharpened #2 pencils got the workout. I was in my vein, my zone, my time, this was what I was born to do. This was my moment of greatness. I finished my writing with two lines to spare. I reread and reread my masterpiece. Oh, my passion and love for this great machine was unbelievable.

I still felt a little awkward about the empty two lines at the bottom of the page, so I wrote in large bubble letters a THANK YOU to the inventor. After all, he deserved to be sited.

At lunch we were all defending our greatest invention choice over square pizza and chocolate milk. Stacy chose penicillin. I thought that was retarded. Hello, I was allergic! She was so definelty going to be in the Satisfactory range. Mike chose the wheel! He was devestated when we told him that was invented a little farther back that 100 years -- Limited Knowledge paper. Then came my moment, I announced my greatest invention choice was the Telephone. There was a gasp at my ingenious work. I recreated my paper verbally at the table. They were in awe, you could almost hear the angels of heaven singing from above. I then mentioned my icing on cake that at the end I gave credit to the inventor. Wow -- they were all so impressed. I told them how in bubble letters I had written ...

Thank You, Thomas Edison!

That is when Mike said, "Hey, didn't he invent the light bulb?"

Gulp. There went my Advanced.


Jubilee on Earth said...

LMAO!!! I am so cracking up right now. This was an awesome post. Okay, we must be about the same age, because I had that exact same outfit. The two-toned scrunchy socks?!?!? Hilarious!!! I totally wore those with my sprial-laced Eastlands.

I, too, loved tests. And reports. I always identified with Ralphie in "A Christmas Story" because as a kid, I had that kind of imagination. And I FOR SURE thought that one of those times my teacher would just be thoroughly awed by my fantastic writing skills.


Great, post. Lovin' it. Thanks for sharing...


justgottalaugh said...

"Scrunchies", "stone washed", "perms"- ahhh, a safe place, at last. The other day, I had to get my sons jeans into his snow boots and I actually used the "fold roll"!!! I knew is was fashionable in middle school but I never knew it would help me out later in life. Fashion and function- you just can't beat it!
Now Eastlands are a sore subject because we couldn't afford those :( but I did, by the grace of God, have a pair of two Guess Jeans (until I ripped one pair on a fence- sad day- can't go there...