Let's chronicle my mundane life in detail this morning, shall we? Why? Because I have nothing better to do -- although I could be folding my last load of laundry, or picking up sticks from the yard, or changing my oil in my lawnmower, or coming up with solutions for world peace (just in case they call), or painting my toenails. But alas, I am blogging my day in pics.
I must warn you now, these are raw unedited photos. Please for all that is good and just in the world I beseech you dear brethren to turn now from your wicked ways and close this blog down now! Go scrub behind your toilets or floss your teeth or pick the puss out of your ingrown toenail, but DO NOT go any farther (or is it further? I always get those confused). There are shocking images and not appropriate for children or for people with sight...if you happen to be blind, go forth and view...you should be fine...probably.
I begin my day at 7:00 am. Why? Why? Why? I am UNemployed. I have no where to be. No appointments, no meetings, no agenda, no schedule, NOTHING! But my Twerps have tight schedules they run and places to go and people to see. So they wake me and I begin the daily rituals. I first brush my teeth cause I have fuzzy sweaters all over the place. Now I like to believe they are cashmere -- argyle cashmere in mocha and light teal. But nonetheless, they had to go....Brace yourself....I have no make up....and big time bed head.... Here I am 4.7 seconds out of bed. Why am I looking to the sky in both pics? I have no clue why I do the things I do. Perhaps I was looking for the angels above to burst forth from the heavens and sing a joyous chant that I, Country Girl, was out of bed AND brushing my teeth at a decent hour -- with NO WHERE to go. Or maybe I was looking for my eyelash curler that my Twerps used as a sling shot for the dog poops last night. Either way, I was mesmerized. And please notice my night gown...Who doesn't love a little Bon Jovi....even At 7 am? Have I mentioned I gave up FREE tixs to see Bon Jovi last month? I am not bitter, really I am not....well, kinda, maybe, perhaps a little. I will let my therapist know.
Then I dropped my toothbrush....maybe because I was looking up all the time instead of paying attention to the task at hand. Hmmm...and I was SO glad I had bleached the sinks yesterday, but once I pulled it out...it had to go...there was no way....NO way sister....I gagged. I put in Incredibles for the Twerps...it had been paused from yesterday and let me tell you, they have minds like steel traps and forget NOTHING....So, we unpaused and I ... Made the drink of the Gods.
And checked my computer. Please notice my mop head hygrandea (thanks Cindy Dianne). I thought I would bring the beauty inside.
Made Baby Twerps bed...Made Middle Twerps bed.... Now I am bored. What do I ALWAYS do when I am bored....well paint my toenails for pete's sake! Of course, by alas I could not pack any liquids so NO POLISH exists in my house. I fell to the floor in a fetal position and cried out for my momma for 18.47 minutes. Then I picked myself up and gave myself a facial. Lord knows I needed it, did you see pic #1? DO NOT scroll back up, it is an item of national security and your life could be at risk (Disclaimer: If you are blind you should be okay....Legally blind does not count.). Then, on to laundry. So I sat on the floor and picked my cuticles and stared at my fireplace. I rearranged the mantel...still not pleased....But I think it will not matter cause a flat screen is IJ's plans.
Then I downloaded some music and danced around naked....I kid...I kid...I only strolled, I would never dance.
Made some b-fast for the Twerps. I use the term "made" loosely here, I poured cereal in a bowl and added milk. But it is all in the wrist action, I tell you.
Bath time...they needed baths last night something fierce...but I passed out at 9 pm. Next came the DRAMA event of the year. I knew this was inevitable, but I thought if I ignored it, it would go away. I used this tactic with the cat outside and it worked. I ignored him...he went away, or possibly died, but I like to think happy thoughts. Back to Middle Twerp's attack of anxiety and the fact the his world ended. It started off with, "Where is my dolphin?" He asks this like he just realized his right arm was not attached or like he had been walking around withOUT underwear for the past week. The shocked and panicked look on his face was almost more than I could take. Somehow this precious soul got it stuck in his mind that a pet dolphin would be awaiting him upon arrival into his humble new adobe, in his new city, in his new state. Just when the tone of the whining reached an intolerable decibel level, he began to do what I tend to do when I cannot cope anymore, he began to recite the same phrase over and over again, "I am fine. I am fine. I AM fine. I am FINE. I am fine." He enunciated a different word each time, as if repeating it over and over might make it become the truth. I understand. Really, I understand. I....understand. I UNDERSTAND. I completely understand.
But the dolphin realization was more than he could bear. Maybe this is deeper than the dolphin, maybe this is something I as a mother need to listen closely to so I can hear his deep fears and address them in a mature way. So I asked him, "Is this really a deep rooted fear that I do not meet your needs and you feel I am constantly disappointing you and making promises I do not keep?" He said no. I felt much better and am so glad that issue is over. But this tirade did not end here. It went on for another 45 minutes because we all know this is the end of the world as we know it....and I feel fine. (A little REM anyone?)So we went and bought a couch. This is how I cope with life.Middle Twerp became the BIG helper, which took his mind off dolphins and other salt water sea mammals. Here comes my new couch. I feel very uneasy about my hasty decision, but that is me for you...I spend 8,421 years thinking about maybe possibly doing something and then in 2.3 seconds, I do it and it is over and life is better. All I am saying is you should be SO SO SO glad this is not me in the shot. Is this not the worst position EVER to get your pic taken? Poor guy, but I have no mercy. I chose Brick Red Sleeper......Ta Da...here is is...now there are still options.....
Option #1 pillow combo plain cushionsOption #2 Paisley pillows, plain cushionsOption #3 -- All paisleyUhmm....this makes me feel like a Meemaw. Not that I do not have love, respect and acceptance for all the Meemaws of the world, but I am just sayin...not my style. After 45 combo options, I chose this one....I might take the two side pillows off...They scream Polo Club to me. Not water polo but the kind you play in a horse. A brown horse with a black mane specifically while wearing a navy blue coat and maroon tie. That is what they screamed at me. Then The Twerps came up from the playroom...Like the pillow options even mattered.....Now it is 9:45 AM. Did you hear me....less than 3 hours after I woke up. I still have 11 MORE hours left in the day....and no toenail polish...and I cannot leave because the cable guy is coming...and he gave me the specific range of Wednesday between 6:13 am and 9:47 pm...and I MUST get cable and legal wi fi and quit hacking into my neighbor's to blog. Wow -- what a little cleansing confession I just had. No I feel much better. I am going to get the Help Wanted Ads.