I am 32. There. I told you. Now I feel so much better. Out with the bad chi...in with the good. I am assuming they are talking about teas here so after this post I am off to Starbucks, but only cause I have to.
''I said to myself, ' you deserve more than this.' You're 31 years old - and the clock is ticking.''
So I am one of those people who must think out loud. I have always been envious of the introvert - the one who can take a long hike into nature and sit and think and figure all of life's mysteries. I take a hike out into nature and have even more problems that now need solving -- like how in the heck do I find my way back home...and what if someone chops me into a million pieces and I scream, but no one is around to hear me...or Great, now I need to pee...and then Gosh I sure hope this is not poison ivy.
So as you can see, an introvert I am not. I need people...and I think we have established that out here in my new state, in my new town, in my new house, I am one...and one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. So I now need you.
Now I must first preface this entire post with the fact that my emotions only have one level and it is HIGH. I feel everything to the extreme so please know this before you respond, think, or heaven forbid....judge.
So I had a bad day..this stay at home mom thing is new for me and I never realize what a sense of myself I received from my job. When I had my job I always thought how great it would be to be a SAHM..now that I am one I miss my black heels and designer cloths and big handbags and meetings and presentations and spreadsheets and .... feeling valuable.
Now I know how valuable being a mom is...I do...and I love my Twerps -- never for a second doubt that. But this staying home thing is ... lonely. It might be different if I was already established with friends and family nearby, but I am not - and I am going insane. And I loved my job at the State Department of Education and I loved the people and my team. We really worked well together and I was good enough, and smart enough, and doggone it, people liked me! [name that SNL character]
And now I find myself wanting to do research and new lessons and plans and HELP people. Basically I, Country Girl, want a job...a real grown up job...why? Cause I am shallow and find my self worth in what I do instead of who I am.
But let's look at the flip side of this coin, shall we?
I have three beautiful Twerps who have honestly never been better than they are right now..and you wanna know why? Cause I have spent every minute for the past 6 weeks with them, and it has made a difference. When we lived in Oklahoma we had a nanny that came to our house and watched the kids and cleaned the house. She was amazing and I love her dearly. But now if I went back to work there would be child care...and bear with me and let's be realistic for a moment...
Indiana Jones has a great career but travels 50% of the time and with the military you just never know when deployments can occur, so I try to figure everything just on me. Eldest and Middle Twerp will be in school from 7:30 AM - 2:30 PM ish. Baby Twerp would need child care and the others would need extended care and with traffic ...which is VERY bad out here...I would not be home until 6 ish and then I am back to missing my kids and wanting to quit all over again..and part time work would not even cover childcare expenses which will be close to $1500 a month.
So this is where I feel like I am -- choosing -- between the desires and wants and sometimes NEEDS of a career and the love and responsibility of raising my kids. And in reality in 2 more years everyone will be in public school and this will not be such a dilemma..but right now 2 years sounds forever away. And I feel like such an awful self person just admitting this. How many women would LOVE to stay at home and how blessed am I? But isn't the right thing to do to just suppress this for awhile and give to my kids cause they are only this age once and I can never go back? But can I be honest? I will never be one of those woman who bake all my bread and sew cute skirts and have organized house cleaning charts-- I am not near that good at these things. I have always envied the SAHM and I guess I still do...cause right now I suck at it.
Again, I know I am rambling but I need to talk and feel heard and maybe this will stop the tears for awhile. So, I am off tomorrow for a little vaca and R and R -- unexpected, but needed -- and I don't work so I can do this, right? But never fear, my laptop will be near and I will still post.
I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.