Monday, July 14, 2008

Dear Cosmic Void,

I am 32. There. I told you. Now I feel so much better. Out with the bad chi...in with the good. I am assuming they are talking about teas here so after this post I am off to Starbucks, but only cause I have to.

''I said to myself, ' you deserve more than this.' You're 31 years old - and the clock is ticking.''

So I am one of those people who must think out loud. I have always been envious of the introvert - the one who can take a long hike into nature and sit and think and figure all of life's mysteries. I take a hike out into nature and have even more problems that now need solving -- like how in the heck do I find my way back home...and what if someone chops me into a million pieces and I scream, but no one is around to hear me...or Great, now I need to pee...and then Gosh I sure hope this is not poison ivy.

So as you can see, an introvert I am not. I need people...and I think we have established that out here in my new state, in my new town, in my new house, I am one...and one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. So I now need you.

Now I must first preface this entire post with the fact that my emotions only have one level and it is HIGH. I feel everything to the extreme so please know this before you respond, think, or heaven forbid....judge.

So I had a bad day..this stay at home mom thing is new for me and I never realize what a sense of myself I received from my job. When I had my job I always thought how great it would be to be a SAHM..now that I am one I miss my black heels and designer cloths and big handbags and meetings and presentations and spreadsheets and .... feeling valuable.

Now I know how valuable being a mom is...I do...and I love my Twerps -- never for a second doubt that. But this staying home thing is ... lonely. It might be different if I was already established with friends and family nearby, but I am not - and I am going insane. And I loved my job at the State Department of Education and I loved the people and my team. We really worked well together and I was good enough, and smart enough, and doggone it, people liked me! [name that SNL character]

And now I find myself wanting to do research and new lessons and plans and HELP people. Basically I, Country Girl, want a job...a real grown up job...why? Cause I am shallow and find my self worth in what I do instead of who I am.

But let's look at the flip side of this coin, shall we?

I have three beautiful Twerps who have honestly never been better than they are right now..and you wanna know why? Cause I have spent every minute for the past 6 weeks with them, and it has made a difference. When we lived in Oklahoma we had a nanny that came to our house and watched the kids and cleaned the house. She was amazing and I love her dearly. But now if I went back to work there would be child care...and bear with me and let's be realistic for a moment...

Indiana Jones has a great career but travels 50% of the time and with the military you just never know when deployments can occur, so I try to figure everything just on me. Eldest and Middle Twerp will be in school from 7:30 AM - 2:30 PM ish. Baby Twerp would need child care and the others would need extended care and with traffic ...which is VERY bad out here...I would not be home until 6 ish and then I am back to missing my kids and wanting to quit all over again..and part time work would not even cover childcare expenses which will be close to $1500 a month.

So this is where I feel like I am -- choosing -- between the desires and wants and sometimes NEEDS of a career and the love and responsibility of raising my kids. And in reality in 2 more years everyone will be in public school and this will not be such a dilemma..but right now 2 years sounds forever away. And I feel like such an awful self person just admitting this. How many women would LOVE to stay at home and how blessed am I? But isn't the right thing to do to just suppress this for awhile and give to my kids cause they are only this age once and I can never go back? But can I be honest? I will never be one of those woman who bake all my bread and sew cute skirts and have organized house cleaning charts-- I am not near that good at these things. I have always envied the SAHM and I guess I still do...cause right now I suck at it.

Again, I know I am rambling but I need to talk and feel heard and maybe this will stop the tears for awhile. So, I am off tomorrow for a little vaca and R and R -- unexpected, but needed -- and I don't work so I can do this, right? But never fear, my laptop will be near and I will still post.

I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

33 comments:

hope4grace said...

I love knowing that there are others who struggle with the same thing I do...honestly, does that make me a bad person? Hello, void? Voooooooooooooid?

Adrenalynn said...

I COULD NOT agree more! I am a stay at home mom right now, but I am so conflicted about this. I love being able to spend so much time with the kids but I really miss working! On the other hand- oh, I am so conflicted.

Rebekah said...

You mean there are others out there. I am a working mom who has always wanted to be a SAHM. And now that I am a single mom, that dream is now one I know I won't see come to fruition anytime soon. :-( But its ok.

PS... I am glad I found your blog. I stumbled upon it from the comments section over at the pioneer womans.

Kim said...

I love you, Country Girl. I love your honesty, and I am praying for you. {{{hugs}}}

Wendy said...

I too am a stumbler from PW. I just loved your comment on her blog and had to check out your blog. I was going to post that same comment on how my life isn't exactly how I'd planned. I'm a SAHM, dh was military and still travels now that he's out. It was really the only option with deployments, long hours and nights out of town. Hang in there. You'll be alright. :) Love your blog.

Anonymous said...

Hi! Not judging you in any way, but let me pose a question for you...a while back you were considering homeschooling. Why not combine your love of teaching and teach the ones you love most? Could it not be the best of both worlds? I'm sure there is a thriving homeschool community where you could get connected and find those long-lost friends you've been talking about. Just a thought! Good luck.

Michelle : )

glenda said...

Another mom that has a dh gone 50% or more of the time. I do work at home too but some days I still miss the "real world".

Anonymous said...

I dont have children, so I can not relate on the SAHM issue. But last year we moved several hours away from all our friends and family. I had lived in that town for all 29 years of my life and had a job I adored. But the oppturnity for my husband was to good to pass up and we found our dream home, in a nice town. But I just feel alone, like you, I never realized how much my job was a part of me. I will tell you, there will be good and bad days. And there are days where I get all dressed up in the heels and nice clothes, with the makeup and I hit the grocery store! And days when I just want to go back home (old town). I know what its like to loose your support system, I just try to count my blessing and believe everything happens for a reason!

3SonsAreMyLove said...

Dearest Country Girl;

It doesn't matter that you can't sew cute dresses or bake all your bread. What does matter is that you love your children and with all your heart and soul. Your lives have been brought together by God for a reason. Much will be shared and much will be learned, by them and by you. You have exactly what these little lambs need. The bonds you form are the ones that will carry them throughout their lives. I will pray for peace in your heart and discernment.

Now, dry those eyes, put on some fresh mascara and Dr. Pepper lip balm...I've heard Dr. Pepper lip balm is the next best thing to the Balm of Gilead :)

Sandel said...

I believe that to be a good mom does not mean that you stay at home. I have both stayed at home and worked. I personally need a mix, to not loose my sanity completely. You are so talented and perhaps you were intended to be a WONDERFUL working mother. There is nothing wrong with having the desire to use your talents. Your kids love you for being you and they love us when we are happy. I would take this to the Lord and he will reveal his plans for you. :) Love ya and enjoy your vacation!!!

Working Mom said...

OK Stuart Smalley. I read you loud and clear. I had the same melt down on Friday (literally 2 hours of crying - at work - professional right?), but kind of in a reversed way...
I think I'll email you the gorey details, if you care to hear them, and I'll spare the rest of the world my drama..

Sada said...

Wow -- I was kind of feeling this way today too (I put it as feeling "stir crazy" or being in a "funk"). However, every time I feel like this I remember (like you were describing) the difficulty of juggling (traffic, being gone 12 hours, pressure from work spilling into family time, etc). I feel like me being with my baby every day is worth a few "bad, lonely" moments. Over all I am so thankful to have this time with him and know it is temporary.

Are you a member of a church? With 3 kids I promise you could stay very busy volunteering and meeting many wonderful people and the kids would love it!

At the end of the day -- you have to figure out what is best for you. You are not alone when it comes to questioning being a SAHM.

Treasia said...

I always thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Then two years ago that is what I became. For about 6 months it was great. Then like you I feel I have lost ME along the way. So two weeks ago I decided I wanted to work again. I can't wait to find a fulfilling job once more.

Dana Jones said...

no words of advice, no judgments, no clever comments, just love and hugs your way.

Dana xx

Dreams of a Country Girl said...

hope4grace -- i think you are perfect just the way you are...and it is so obvious waht a good mom you are and how much you love your girls...xxxooo

adrenalynn- YES thanks for understanding and getting it -- and your hair is perfect

rebekah -- donlt give up on your dreams...you never know when your knight in shining armor might come riding in...and i have a feeling you are doing amazin things in you and your kids lives right now...keep your smile.

kim -- you are the best...love ya girl...keep me posted on brazil.

wendy -- you get me...thanks...and stay awhile and chat...

michelle -- oh girlfriend...i will post on this later...but you have hit another hard question for me

glenda -- wanna come over and drink somem wine and paint our toenails?

annon -- you CAN relate and if I meet you in the grocery store i will be so jealous if you are wearing heels and Dr Pepper lip gloss.

3sonsaremylove -- will you be my big sister...seriously you always have the right words to say...always.

sandel -- you are right...so so right...patience and his plan will come through

working mom-- we shared a womb

sada -- I DO need to get involved ina church -- we have found one and it is hard to find a group...it is large and their samll groups do not open until late august...but you better believe we will either host one or go to one...i mean we do have a fire pit and all...

treasia -- you get it girlfriend...and thanks for the award..you mad eme smile and i needed it..

dana -- i bet you are the best friend a girl could ask for...your words were so lovin and perfect...thanks....xxx back at ya.

Tales of an Alaskan Housewife said...

I feel your pain...at this very moment we have just completed a military move (which started May 16, wherein, I also left a job I really loved and made me feel of great worth. We have also moved to a new state and I was just remarking today about how lonely I am as I haven't made new friends here, been too busy helping my 3 kiddos adjust. I've done this lots of times...12 moves...and it's still hard to be in a new home, new state, new community. You have to give yourself time to adjust and adapt. Allow yourself the time to mourn your old life, which is always magically way more awesome since you just left it. It will seem so different in just a few weeks time and your head will be clearer and then you can decide what you want to pursue and how you want to go about it.

You have made me smile with your honesty and humor during this transition of mine. Hey try living in remote Alaska for two years....that state doesn't even have a Target yet...a sin I tell you - a sin! Thank goodness, I've made it back to the real world.

spanki said...

when did you get into my head and steal my thoughts?? when we lived in "the city" i would work 10 hour jobs that might go 7days a week, once you started to paint you couldn't stop til it was done. i loved it, but my family had to sacrifice. i felt like i was being selfish, but i really needed it for me. now, as you know, i too sit here lonely, bored and border line insane!! i feel like i need to dive head first into a hobby. and renting is making it worse, i can't even paint something 9 times, til i get it right! i will, i will drive 20 hours to have company!! i need it as bad as you do, heck i am about to go to my next door neighbors and see if they have a gay bunco group i can join!!

Dreams of a Country Girl said...

tales of an alaskan -- no target are you for real..oh lord honey, i am so sorry...i will bring over some glitter polish and bring out the good wine.

spanki -- gay bunco sounds dreamy right now...

and i am so moving to houston where all my blog friends are...or at least take a road trip,...anyone want a lonely woman and three twerps...i will bring the wine, dr p lip gloss and toenail polish...

Anonymous said...

For me - it's always been the transitioning from one stage to the next that's the hardest part of managing change. I've beeen single, married, unmarried, kid-free, and now mom. It's all been good and I've been happy (most of the time) but it has always taken me time to adjust to each new life stage. Take it easy, hotrod! And be kind to yourself....

J

Kathy said...

Looking back from the wisdom of the future, (I am 48) I so wish I had not whined and depressed my way through my SAHM years. Now, my kids are 23 (married), 18 (off to college this year) and 15. I find myself thinking thank goodness I still have one kid at home. I always thought I would not have any problems with empty nest syndrome, but I do.
I was a SAHM for 6 years while my husband was in the military. It was hard, especially when we were in CA and couldn't get base housing and the wives on my husband's ship were not very friendly and no one else was at home in my neighborhood during the day. I racked up phone bills home like you wouldn't believe.
I am a reluctant joiner. I tried play group for a while, but didn't really connect with any of the women there. Finally, after about five months I made a friend! But it was hard and as her husband wasn't at sea 80% of the time she didn't have as much time as I did to devote to friendship. I wish I had made the effort to find a church or join some type of group on base, I think I would have been much happier, but I let myself get too stuck in a funk, to make the effort.
Before marriage and a child I had been a nurse and had people telling me I was doing a good job. Being a SAHM is lonely, and there is no feedback telling you "Hey that was some lunch you fixed today! or Way to go, you did great reading that story!"
You are taking on many jobs at once as SAHM: caterer, chauffeur, housekeeper, nurse, mother, budget expert, teacher, entertainer of twerps, expert answerer, finder of lost objects, organizer, and it is hard to stand back and get perspective on how things are actually going.
My one piece of advice is do not give up. I have never regretted the years I spent at home with my children, it is so worth the sacrifice when I see what great young adults they are turning into, now I can have the satisfaction of seeing that I did a great job! I'll be praying for you!

Jenn said...

Well, I am late to the game and everyone has said everything I wanted to say, and more! I think you have some amazing support people here, and I hope you can find what it is in life that guides you and makes you happy, and provides you with ample time with your family. It's so hard to find that balance. I have a 10 month old child, so I am still relatively fresh back into the working world. But let me tell you, while being SAHM is extremely commendable, you have to be able to have YOU as well. Because without a happy YOU, your family isn't as strong of a unit. So remember to take care of yourself, as well as the Twerps and IJ.

HUGS

Becky :) said...

Country Girl~
I admire your honesty in all of this. I became a mom very young and had a little opportunity to be a SAHM to my daughter when she was younger. Then I had to go to work, no choice and when I had my son I felt so bad putting him in daycare at 6 weeks old, but I had no choice.
Sometimes I dream of being a SAHM but it just isn't in the cards. I also sometimes feel guilty for working so much as my kids were growing and missing so much with them, but being a single mom is what God chose for me. My daughter is now almost 17 and my son is 10. But they know I love them with all my heart.
So I guess what I'm blabbing about is this. The grass always looks greener on the other side, but you can make the grass your on the best by doing as best you can.
You are a wonderful mom and your kids are soaking it all up right now. But always remember to do what makes you happy. And from what I see, being home with your twerps makes you very happy.

momto3cubs said...

I was a SAHM for several years. Yes, it is very hard. Lonely and isolating. The days seemed aimless. Thank God for the internet! The playgroup message boards got me through each day!

It's good that you are a naturally cheerful person! I'm sure you are a fun mom to be with, and your kids love having you around. The bonds you make now will help y'all get through the tough school years! I'm glad my kids and I formed such tight bonds while I was home full-time.

Pony Girl said...

Deep thoughts, yes...everyone had such nice comments. I have not been in your boat, no IJ or twerps of my own yet. But I watched my good friend go through it. She found a balance by going back to work part-time. I think she felt it gave her time to be with grown-ups and have her career-time, yet also gave her kids time to socialize with other kids and be entertained by someone other than herself (her words.) I think it's all about finding a balance, what works for you and your family. You will figure it out.
p.s. maybe you are an introspective extrovert!? :)

Train Wreck said...

I'm with Spanki, How did you get my draft for my next post?! I say a day at the spa should help! Lets go! I'm with you sista!!
Now I have to catch up on your Happy Birthday post the lettuce in you teeth has me curious!

Adrenalynn said...

By the way; way to look all hot and steamy at 32! While being a SATH, nonetheless! And thanks for your comment! It's the nicest, fuzziest, most glittery anyone has ever said about my hair..:)

Ansbaughmom said...

Ok I know you have had a gazillion comments on this post but just wanted to let you know I will be prayin for ya. I believe that everything happens for a reason-when the time is right you will have a job again. Your kids think you are the best and that is all that matters!! You have such an amazing attitude about life and just blogging and letting us inside your head(and keep me laughing) is an amazing job itself (if only you got paid for this somehow?!!)

Anonymous said...

I feel you- I am due with our first in just eight short weeks. Shortly after the birth, we are moving abroad where I will make the transition to SAH Motherhood. I am excited for the changes of motherhood and a new life in a different country, but very worried at the same time about the changes that come with being a new mom and also the isolation that comes with quitting my job and moving to a new place. Found your site from PW- keep it up.

ptamom3 said...

I know when I moved here it took me 2 years to get close to anyone and the way I did that was join the PTA board at my daughter's school. That may not be an option for you- but I tell you, it will surely keep you busy and make you feel like you are doing something for a worthly cause! I'm going into my 3rd year of it now and I truly do love it and keeps me more busy than I want sometimes. You'll figure it out- give it time and take one day at a time!

Nicole Mc said...

I constantly fight the inner demons that make me feel resentful of being a sahm. It makes me feel dirty and shameful!! I should be content to be home with my 3 beautiful boys right? In truth, being a mother has aged me, and made me tired and lonely. It is the destiny of women to carry these burdens and for some reason it brings me some peace to know that i share this burden with all the women i know and all of the women of history. (think of how hard they had it!!!!!) I know women that work feel the same way just the opposite. We are hard to please, us women... it's no wonder our men never know what to do or say!! ;) Hang in there, tomorrow is another day!

Nicole Mc said...

Oh yea, if its any help...reading your blog helps me lift my mood everyday!!:)

The Kelso-Winter Family said...

write it down...let it out.. and then look at yourself in mirror and say "self..i am where i am supposed to be for the time being and where i am supposed to be in the future will work out" You are not alone and the loneliness will get better too.. I promise!!!

cynthia said...

no one knows what's right for YOU...that's the hard part. if someone would just tell us (hmmm God) with a note from heaven, it would be so much easier! that's where faith steps in...and believe me "that" is SO DIFFICULT!
for me...i wanted to stay at home, still do but i'm going back to work. only part time and then training for med transcription at night...it's for the money. working as an aide at my son's school 1/2 day, thank goodness or when would i blog? but...you have to do what's right for you and your family...knowing what that is is not always easy.
by the way, shannon gurney tells me your in my neck of the woods! well, sort of.