Sunday, September 28, 2008

What Do I Want?

I sat in a fast food drive-thru tonight plagued with the question I thought was impossible to ask one's self.

What did I want?

It was a rarity to be alone, without children - without a spouse - without anyone wanting - without anyone whining - without anyone to please. Just me.

And I had no idea what I wanted.

You see, I always get the popcorn chicken to share with Baby Twerp cause it's his favorite. Or possibly the Jr Hamburger so Middle Twerp can have the prize. But of course, the banana split with extra cherries always brings a smile to Eldest Twerp's face. And, without a doubt, all the cherries go to her. Indiana Jones and I could split a breakfast toast...but of course we would get bacon cause he LOVES himself some bacon.

But what did I want?

How hard could it be to answer? But as I sat there for what seemed eternity, staring at the menu board, I realized the answer was not coming. I still had no idea what I wanted. No clue of what would please me. No inkling of what would hit the spot.

What is it that I want?

Because somewhere between diapers and bottles and moves and sacrifices and Happy Meals and soccer cleats and tutus and shin guards and hair bows and plastic frogs...

Have I lost me?

So I drove off - lost and hungry.

18 comments:

Kim said...

I can't speak from experience 'cause I'm not married and I don't have kids, but your are not the first of my married friends to feel this way.

You are not alone and what you are feeling is unusual.

I'm sorry it's so hard right now. Hang in there.

Sarah said...

Oh my! I have been there wondering where I went. My taste, my choices. Not choosing what I wanted for so long, because of my kids. I no longer knew what I truly wanted. I also think it gets that way because the choices get old too. Luckly it doesn't last to long. So hang in there & the next time take advantage of it & don't let it get away, even if you order ice cream for dinner.

Adrenalynn said...

Wow - not only at the fact that you actually were at the drive-thru ALL BY YOURSELF - but I can totally relate! I don't know how to be me without my faithful posse (or what to order)... scary thought!

MauritaMason said...

I think it happens to all of us. Then you spend your children's late high school years and after trying to find yourself again...but it's a nice journey.

Tracie said...

Me Gone Lost! No clue about me~

Marchelle said...

i know what you want. you want to move with IJ & the kids to the house next to me that's for sale so we can drink coffee & cook mexican together and i will french braid your hair (2 braids.)

and we're a goat-free neighborhood, so, you know, bonus!

Treasia said...

Speaking from experience and being mid life, don't lose to much of yourself along the way. Stay in touch with who you really are from time to time. I've seen so many friends whose kids leave for college be at a total loss as to what to do with themselves. Who are they they wonder? As your kids get older and require less of you, start taking more time for you.

Adventure girl wanna be said...

Oh that is sad! I remember feeling like that.

So cute what your womb mate said;)

Maybe this will cheer you up!
http://www.jcrew.com/AST/Browse/WomenBrowse/Women_Shop_By_Category/outerwear/PRDOVR~96180/96180.jsp

It's on my fall wish list!

edie+steve said...

Oh CG, Haven't we all been there at some time or other....or everyotherday....or something like that? You haven't lost you.....you is just changing. We mold the little ones and they mold us too.....they make us stronger and more tender and more creative and absolutely crazy sometimes. It's a good thing, and the only thing that makes any much difference in this life. You seem to be doing a great job raisin' those kids and judging by that whole step-by-step fixin' your hair post (which had me rollin' on the floor) you haven't lost you.....not by a long shot!

Lo said...

aw hunny bun i know what you mean. when you spend your life trying to make sure everyone else is taken care of, sometimes you lose yourself in the cracks. or between sofa cushions. er, anyway. you are unique and wonderful and YOU. you have a personality. you are singularly special. you're also a fantastic momma and wife. and sometimes? that means your own wants/needs get overlooked. but never? does it mean you aren't thought of and loved and appreciated and NEEDED. you do a terrific job. it's okay if sometimes? the drive thru window gets neglected.

Jenn said...

*sigh*

I feel ya.

And they all said it better than I could.

Scrappy Girl said...

Wow...I think all us moms have been there...weird feeling!

Sometimes I crave alone time and when I finally get me some...I don't know what to do.

Don't tell anyone but sometimes I end up scrapbooking and watching the Disney channel...you would think I would watch something "grown up" but I can't seem to handle a "kid free" zone!

SondreLyn said...

I'm so with you here. I have a college-age boy and a senior-in-high-school girl, and let me tell you, Starbucks is where I found out I hadn't thought about what I wanted in a really long time!

Dana Jones said...

yep. I've been there too. Maybe what you wanted was not even offered in the fast-food drive thru! Maybe you wanted some fresh tasty good for you food, or maybe you wanted to dance on your tip toes in the park. I don't know what might have filled the empty inside of you, but I know if you listen to your heart, you will know.

Love, and hugs CG!
Dana

Christy said...

I feel the same way. I LONG for some time alone, and when I get it.....I watch SpongeBob or Jimmy Neutron. Or I wander around aimlessly looking for something to do. And I miss the little yard apes. Being a mommy sure aint easy, is it?

Elisa said...

Oh wow. That's a different way of putting the same thing I posted about: the joys of motherhood and losing yourself a little in the process.

But I tell you one thing I know that always works for me: chocolate. When in doubt, always go for something chocolate-covered or chocolate-filled.

The Kelso-Winter Family said...

sweetsie..you were just at the wrong drive-thru. if you'd been at the day spa drive-in you would have ordered a fullbody mudbath with a cucumber facial and a side of the sensory deprivation immersion tank.

Keli said...

CG - I've been there and sometimes still feel that way. It's hard when we are constantly worrying about everyone else, we forget to think about "ME". It will be ok! Take Marchelle's advice and move to Indy!