I Got THE Look

Welcome to Vaca 2009 - Lover of My Soul. Trip that makes my hiney tingle. Resort that makes my skirt fly up. Destination Big Pink Fuzzy Heart With Glitter! Today we took bike rides around our resort. And again, I would like to remind you lovely readers of the fact that I cannot chew gum and walk at the same time. Nor can I talk and tango simultaneously. Which is a travesty during Dancing with the Stars, but that is another story for another time.

Anyhoo, as we were bike riding Middle Twerp happened to pass two OLDER girls on the path. And he was trying to show off a little to get their attention -- doing a little snazz... Addin a little flair to his game and all... Ohhhh Girlllls...how you doin?And then suddenly, I heard a crash and a WAAAAIIIILL. Like weeping and gnashing of teeth kinda wail. But it was NOTHING compared to the Ohhhhs and Ahhhhs of the OLDER GIRLS.MT flashed a little of the lip and a sprinkin of the dimples and he has em eating out of his hand... There were so many hugs and sweeties comin from these OLDER girls I about passed out in a diabetic coma. The sweetness was just killin me. And he ate it up!

So this lead me to thinkin -- a very dangerous event in my mind....,
If MT got all that attention from OLDER girls by doing some tricks, what kind of attention could I get from Indiana Jones if I did some tricks.... What harm could be done....right?

I mean he might think I am kinda cute or at least give me some sympathy lovin. I will take whatever I can get -- I am starved for attention. Famished for a look. I am hungry as a hostage for some lovin. So I dazzled and wazzled and played it up --

And this is all I got.

I think it has "Come Hither You Hot Crazy Country Girl" written all over it, right? Hello? Anyone? Anyone?

I'm Popeye The Sailor Man

Indiana Jones has whisked me away to a life of rest, relaxation, wine, massages, and sailing! I was all down with the list until we hit sailing! SAILING?? Uhm, will that require coordination? And athletic ability? And skill? Cause I think we have established I have no skillz. Well, I do have some skillz, not to brag or anything.

You know, like nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills... Guys only want girls who have great skills. That's how I got IJ and all. My skillz. But once we got out on the water, I got a little nervous. My spawn were walking inches from the depths of the ocean. And he seemed angry and ready to swallow my genetic offspring. They seemed to not notice. Which did not help to ease my anxieties - not one little bit. So I began herding my gaggle around me.CAREFUL! Watch your step! Hold on. I think I saw a shark. SAVE ME STEVE IRWIN!Protect me Poseidon. Where art thou Sea Gods?I was making my Twerps miserable. But I just couldn't help it.What if they fell overboard and were swept away to sea????The captain kinda made fun of my over-protectiveness BUT HELLO!! Obviously he has never procreated. Cause it is a lot of work to replace one of these things. NINE MONTHS. NINE MONTHS I SAY! I was a human incubator for 9 MONTHS. And he wanted to just throw all that hard work overboard.Then he said, "EVEN IF THEY FALL IN I CAN HAVE THEM BACK IN THE BOAT WITHIN 2 MINUTES. IT'S NOT LIKE THEY ARE GOING TO DIE."

Uhm, well why didn't you say so?!?!?

Then and only then - once I knew I would not have to pop another bun in my oven for a replacement, I could relax a little....Okay -- a lot. I even let the Twerps DRIVE THE BOAT! Or steer? Or guide? Or navigate?

And ET and I danced around the stern? or deck? or platform?

I like the word STAGE -- but why get into details here?

We actually had an absolute divine time... It was a TAD bit chilly -- but that is the very reason they made this hat....I don't have much use for it in the Deep South. It just doesn't fit well into the Civil War reenactment scene.

This is me totally thinking I am Jackie O. Please let me have my delusional thoughts. It is where I live: rainbow and kitten world.But I think the most relaxed of us all was Eldest Twerp --

I am sorry, but only a teenager could possibly sleep in the middle of the ocean ...Or possibly she is King Poseidon's child. Sorry, IJ -- it was bound to come out sooner or later.

He is a God and all -- how could I say no???

I Have Been Kidnapped. Please Don't Send Help!

Sometimes I forget about what life is all about. I get caught up in the hustle and bustle and lip gloss and designer shoes and forget to slow down. Forget that these spawn of mine are only 12, 5, and 4 for a year. That they won't always be on my lap nor under my roof. Sometimes, I forget.

That's why I have Indiana Jones. For this very reason. Someone who can yank a knot in my tail and say, "Woman, put the blackberry away and get in the car!"

Of course I say -- "Why? Are you going to kidnap me and chop me in pieces and put me in your grandma's freezer?!?!

To which his only reply is "Maybe, but I packed your Nine West pink leopard print pumps."

Little does he know, he had me at pink. Anyhoo -- IJ packed us up and took us to the ocean. Cause I believe there is healing power in the ocean. Just sit still and listen -- you are instantly transformed into a happier healthier soul.

Of course, a cheap bottle of wine does that for me too. But why get into the details here people?

Anhoo -- he has some sailing planned.... And I think we are all fearful of how that might turn out.

Some horse back riding --

And lots of food and wine....Just for clarification, the wine was not for the spawn...in case you were judging. We, of course, just use straight whiskey on them.

I KID. I KID. Sorta.