Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Salt Water and Sand are My Manna From Heaven

Good Morning from Tampa!! It's like I'm a remote journalist corresponding from the front lines. Except it's Tampa, not Afghanistan. And there are no cameras. And I'm wearing heels and lip gloss. But other than that, EXACTLY the same. Details Schmetails.

Anyhoo -- I heart Tampa. I do. The people have been extraordinarily nice. The food was yummy to my tummy and there is a beach. {insert sound of a record screeching to a stop}. Let's chat about this momentarily, shall we?

The morning I leave for Tampa I am informed Tampa is oceanfront property. At this point and time I conduct three hitchkicks in the honor of beaches world wide. Don't we all do this when we discovery sand and salt water?

Anyhoo -- I fly down to this paradise city -- where the grass is green and the girls are pretty -- to see the most amazing orange and hues of pink sunset man has ever experienced. It was the ocean...the sun...and beauty. SIGH. I felt at home and at one with life and nature.

But then, we drove. And drove. And drove. I passed an all-you-can-eat pancake sign, a Crate and Barrel, and soon arrived at my destination - a nice hotel with great people .....

no. where. in. sight. of. salt. water. and. sand.

I walked straight to the counter to check in.

"Oh fine Sir, living in paradise...knocking on heaven's door....how could you ask for more? Can you please point me in the direction of the path to the water access? For my manna from heaven is salt water and sand and this soul man is hungry."

He blinked three times, tilted his head ever so slightly, asked if I was Jehovah's Witness and then stated the words that made my blood turn cold --

"We don't have any water access. We're are no where near the beach. But we have a fountain on the patio."

At this point and time I puked, passed out, convulsed, and came to.

I asked, "Does the fountain at least inhabit salt water?"

He said he could add some.

What kind of purgatory am I destined to live? How can I live, if livin is without you -- my beach? What cruel joke of nature has been transposed on my life?

Today I shall sport my sackcloth and smear ash on my face (of course I will accessorize properly) and pray the beach gods that we can find true loves path to one another.

Amen.

9 comments:

adb said...

hilarious! take the front counter guy up on his offer & have him add salt to the fountain. Then ask him to take pictures of you while you frolic in it! i'm expecting that to be your next post!

Dana and Daisy said...

if you need shoes to go with your sackcloth, I probably have a pair that will work.

i thought the part about him adding salt water to the fountain was very accommodating though.

Blackberry Jam Cafe said...

Hello - I came across your blog from Diana's Cocina. I have to tell you - you gave me a smile this morning! I love a Country Girl who always knows the importance of accessorizing properly - in any situation!

Scrappy Girl said...

Was reading your twitter...I grew up in WV and now live in a neighboring state...they act like WV is miles and miles away and make fun of my accent...how come WV is the red headed step child of the US? lol

Linda said...

You crack me up!

Monica said...

Have you been told yet that you look a lot like the girl from Micheal Buble's new video? Maybe it's not new...I just found my love for Micheal Buble, so it could be old. Anyway, in his Haven't Met You Yet video, the girl looks just like you!! I was watching the video on You Tube and thought, "Hey! That looks just like Country Girl." I'm not some crazed stalker, I promise..I'm pretty harmless...most of the time.

Dreams of a Country Girl said...

i heart West Virginia....amen.

I'm Just Being Me... said...

That's horrible! The Florida beaches (especially on that coast) are really awesome - I hope you got/get to hang out in the sand for a while before you leave!

theelizabethhighsmith said...

i have mourned my way through orlando, there was weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth....i feel your pain