My husband was out of town last week, and I think we can just go ahead and say it. Just put our cards on the table, no poker face here. No, by golly. We are friends, amigos, copains, bff’s! So here it goes – I am a big chicken, a scaredy–cat, a big momma’s girl. There it is…laugh away…snort, giggle, jest…
The second night my husband was away, I got my kids in bed and jumped in the shower, upon completion of blow drying my hair (which takes approximately 14 hours), I heard a noise in the garage – maybe it was a creek, the house “settling”, maybe it was a squirrel jumping from the attic. Maybe it was a man. Maybe it was man stealing my car stereo. Maybe it was a man stealing my car stereo and then spotting my deep freeze. Maybe it was a man stealing my car stereo and then spotting my deep freeze and then thinking about what a good hiding place that would be. Maybe it was a man stealing my car stereo and then spotting my deep freeze and then thinking about what a good hiding place that would be and thinking he could put me in it. Maybe it was a man stealing my car stereo and then spotting my deep freeze and then thinking about what a good hiding place that would be and thinking he could put me in it AFTER HE CHOPPED ME UP!!! I gulped.
I grabbed my cell phone, dialed 9-1-1 and had my finger on the green dial button. I had to think this through. What can I say that would get the police here…FAST…but not be suspicious? I had it. This is how it would go down… “Do you live here in _______ subdivision? Get out of my garage before I chop YOU up and put YOU in my freezer!” Then for good measure, “Depart form me you worker of iniquity!”
So I swung open the door and turned on the light in one swift motion. I had my back against the wall and my cell phone pointed out (just like a Charlie’s Angel)! There was a cat. Well, I told it to GET OUT OF MY GARAGE BEFORE I CHOPPED IT UP AND PUT IT IN THE FREEZER! Now who is the scaredy-cat? Yea, that is what I thought!
The fourth night my husband was away, I went to church. In the parking lot afterwards a nice gentleman asked if I was okay and if I needed anything while Indiana Jones was away. I told him I was fine, but a big scaredy-cat. I proceed with the above mentioned story. He applauded me and told me, “You can never be too careful! Didn’t you hear about that Connecticut couple today? Two convicts escaped prison, broke into this man's house, tied up his wife and daughters, and killed them!” I was wide-eyed and pale. Then he added for good measure, “But that would never happen to you!” Oh, okay then.
So I went home, started feeding my kids a bedtime snack and someone knocked on the door! It was 9:40 at night! Who could it be? I opened the door and it was 2 men. I immediately thought they must be from Connecticut! The alpha male asked, “Is your mom home?”
What???? My mom??? Giggle, giggle, snort. Ha ha ho hee hee! I glared back and said, I AM THE MOM!
“Oh great, you know how important education is and how standards are being pressed back further and further into the early childhood development blah, blah, blah.” I was scanning for a CT license plate. He all of a sudden started taking off his shoes and, “Let me come in and show you.” Show me what? The knife you are going to use to cut me up and put me in the freezer! I think not, serial killer!
I swear I do not know what got into me, but this lie just started sputtering out my mouth. “Well, I do not feel very comfortable with that. You see, I just a baby and my husband (Who is a WWF wrestler, maybe you have heard of him? Randy? You probably know him as Macho Man??? Maybe Mr. Savage?) Anyway, he is rocking her to sleep. She has been having a hard time – colic I think!” Good Lawd Almighty, that lie just flowed out of my mouth like I do it everyday – kinda scary, and cool!
So I stepped outside and over the next 20 minutes listened to the sales speech. I spent $107 on 6 books. Boy, what a GREAT bargain! Jealous, aren’t you? I just wanted them OUT OF THERE! Gone – bye bye. And the sad thing is, I sold out all my neighbors. “Why don’t you go next door, they have a 4-year-old girl named Ki Ki. Her parents’ names are Sally and Bob, her social security number is 313-555-5251. Her DOB is 01/02/03. She is allergic to eggs and penicillin. Now go. Scat. Depart!"
He left with $107 and my credit card number. But my freezer is still just full of ground beef and ice cream. And I have six EXCELLENT children’s books! What a bargain!