Friday, July 25, 2008

Mortification Memoir

Middle Twerp has some type of oral fixation. The child was born with a quarter, three army men, and a Bic pen top in his mouth. Seriously. I just held out my hand as I laid in the stirrups and told him in a firm voice, Spit those out. The doctors were a little perplexed, but I knew it was just the beginning of what was to come.

The child would be a great candidate for Freud to study in the oral stage. Oh I am sure there is some fatal flaw in my parenting at an early age that has caused every item smaller than a hot air balloon to be placed in Middle Twerp's mouth. I am sure my lack of discipline with breast feeding caused all this oral fixation...but until Freud places a vice dripping with acid to his nipples every three hours for 12 months, he better not judge me, that is all I am saying.

And inevitably when Middle Twerp is confronted with the question of what is in his mouth, I get this complete guilty look and a vigorous head shake. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what seals the deal that he is guilty as charged.

Today was a prime example of this unfortunate behavioral flaw. We were at the McDonald's Playland because I must get out of the house at least once a week and I showered just last night and needed to show off my newly washed hair -- it is the simple joys in life, people. But, McDonald's Playland should be known as Satan's Playground. Because when it comes to places being just out of reach of your parents, it takes the cake.

The Twerps can get just within a fingernails reach of me in those musty, locker-room-smelling tunnels and know they have me. Cause there is no way in Hades I am crawling up there and taking the chance of getting my super sized hips jammed between the Hamburgler and Grimace. Ya know what I am sayin?

Well, when Middle Twerp was confronted with his chewing, he immediately ran for the just-out-of-reach tunnel and proceeded with the guilty look and vigorous shaking of the head. This was all the confirmation I needed.

Spit it out.

Head shaking.

Now.

More head shaking.

What is it?

Continuous head shaking.

Threats...gritting of teeth, manipulation, bribes...all to no avail.

Then this sweet little girl comes up from behind me and pulls on my skirt and says...

I shared with him.

Oh, well how sweet. It must have been a french fry or a hamburger pickle or worst-case-scenario, a half eaten chicken nugget.

So, I went back to my seat to surf the web on my blackberry watch my kids oh-so carefully.

When it was time to leave I gathered my herd and started to walk to the door. The sweet sharing little girl came running up and stuck her hand out. Middle Twerp spit something into her hand and said,

Thanks for sharing your band aide.

As she tried to restick it to her knee wound, I gagged.

19 comments:

hope4grace said...

could we get that response in a recording? Could you add sound effects? Cause that is awesome. I love how utterly real you keep it chick!

Jenn said...

*sigh*

I love all your stories about boys being boys. Gives me so much to look forward to with my little one (who is just over 10 months). LOL! The excitement that will become of my life.

Kim said...

I am speechless!

Scrappy Girl said...

I just gasped and then laid back in my desk chair with my mouth still hanging open. Thank God I have 3 girls. Then I hit the laugher stage...and then I gagged. Thanks for sharing...I think.

Giraffe Spender said...

That's awesome! Thanks for sharing! You're quite a gifted writer!

Blessings,
Tif

bakerchick103 said...

My youngest, who is 18 months is soooo bad for that, too. He has put stuff in his mouth that would make you just throw up, seriously. I feel for you, girl!

Ansbaughmom said...

Alright country girl-you must warn me sometimes-my stomach just can't take that stuff!! Thanks for sharing!! By the way-I have had to climb up in one of those lovely playlands and it was not a pretty sight. You crack me up!!

anita said...

ack!

Becky :) said...

EEEWWWW!!!
I was just going along my merry little way reading the blog like I do every day, giggling a little here and there and then I come to the end BANG!!!! I just about threw up a little in my mouth.
I guess I didn't think he would sink that low. WOW!!! I guess I'm grateful my 10 year old boy never did that. But then of course I don't have funny stories to share either.
That was a good one, thanks for sharing. :-)

Katrina :) said...

That can not be a true story. OMG I am sick. And cracking up. Oh my!! Having two boys myself, I know this is not the worst he will have in his mouth either.

When my oldest was young, he was the same way. (And, if it is any consolation, he is 15 now and pretty normal lol) When he was 18 months old he swallowed a penny. But, since there was a tonnage of change that he dumped out of a piggy bank, we had no clue what he actually swallowed. And being a young mom and a panic (I can laugh about it now) I rushed him to the doctor. I was so sure it was a quarter or 50 cent piece. Maybe even a Sacagawea dollar... I was pretty darn sure we had one in there and now could not find it. So, rushed him to the doctor and they did some x-rays. It was a penny. Could see it plain as day. And was not obstructing anything. Doc said to just watch his diapers and he would pass it. So, for the next couple of days we were on poop patrol. Wouldn't you know it... We were at my mom's house and he of course did a number. So, since my hubby found it, he got to change it (ah ha ha ha ha). Luckily Gramma was right there to tell him to make sure he inspected it. It was day two. He said he did and no penny. Well, being Gramma, she didn't believe him. She ran and got that diaper out of the trash outside and inspected it herself. A really good inspection (you know old people lol) and guess what? Yep, it was there. Yay for Gramma! Hubby never lived that down. And, we have that penny still. I know, we are weird. Good Luck!

P.S. Sorry for the blog on your blog...

Micha said...

I don't have any children so that just totally cracked me up. God they can be so disgusting without even trying ... lol

theotherblonde said...

Okay, yeah that's gross! He's just building up his immune systom by introducing germs?! LOL

Sandel said...

Ok, is this for real????? That is completely stomach churning sickening. What in the world do you do when that happens?

Working Mom said...

ooooooooohhhh middle twerp. that's just nast-ay boy!!

Steve said...

Well at least baby twerp only eats stuff from the floor and the trashcan at playland. Now I am trying to figure out which one had the more acid filled vice. Now that was descriptive! Miss you guys and hope to see you mid October.

cynthia said...

this is when you teach them not to share...

Dreams of a Country Girl said...

katrina nad sandel -- unfortunealtu it is oh-so-true...i wish i could make up some of this stuff

steve...we can't wait to see you

Sada said...

You can at least be reassured he has a strong stomach and strong immune system. He needs to be on fear factor. he could win a lot of money!!!! Gag!

thecottonwife said...

Great post! This is my first visit here - but I'll be back for more. I laughed so hard!!