Monday, August 17, 2009

Conversations with God

WARNING: What I am about to type is first and foremost UNBELIEVABLE. If it had not happened to me I would not believe it. Secondly, please do not comment me and tell me how awful I am and how I might not get into heaven -- I am already very aware of these things.

This is just an honest conversation between God and a flawed Country Girl. I went to a little prayer meeting at a local church Saturday morning. When I told my friend I would go with her, I HAD NO CLUE what it would be. It was about 25 people in a tiny chapel talking to God. It was precious. Now, I could have EASILY been everyone's granddaughter -- possibly ever GREAT granddaughter - seriously. But I talk loud anyway so it all worked out.

Now as most of you are aware, I am a lover not a fighter. I embrace and accept all. I despise judgement and cling to love. I don't hate, I appreciate.

But I must confess two things to you. Please still love me.
  1. I have a horrible prejudice against people with body odor. I know. I know. But it is true. I am a body odor bigot. I hide my face in shame.
  2. When I get hungry -- like really really hungry. I am talkin hungry like a hostage, I get grumpy. Very grumpy. As in spinning head and pea soup on menopause. Seriously.

As I was getting ready to leave the house at 8:15 AM on a Saturday morning, I failed to eat breakfast -- I mean how long can a prayer meeting be, right? Uhm, at hour number three my belly was growling. At hour number four I was famished. At hour number five, the pea soup was about ready to burst forth in all it's glory. Now all this would have been fine and dandy except for Leroy behind me. Leroy -- dear sweet Leroy had forgotten his deo for his B.O. And at hour five, I was gagging. And although the sanctuary could have easily fit 100 people, we were all within a 2 x 2 seating space cause we just loved each other that much. And Leroy's chair was so close behind me I COULD FEEL HIS BREATH IN THE TOP OF MY HEAD! I KID YOU NOT! And Leroy was a bumper. He kept kneeing my chair sending me flying across the metal folding chair and catching myself on the wooden floor. Leroy was gettin my goat.

And just when I thought I had taken all a girl can take, Leroy started getting a WORD. A word from God. And it of course, got him all emotional. And he was a sniffin and a snortin and cryin like a southern woman. AND THEN -- THEN -- as he was wipin his nose -- A DRIPLET OF SNOT FELL ON MY ARM! Did you hear me A DRIPLET OF LEROY'S SNOT FELL ON MY ARM. I gagged outloud. And looked up to God -- like ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Several minutes passed a Leroy was waiting in the prayer line to get to the altar for healing. He was standing right beside me and I was seated with my arms crossed -- prayin something like this....

Seriously God! We are going on hour six. Can't you at least give me some manna? Where is that sweet aroma of prayer -- cause that CANNOT be the scent I am smelling. Lord, I will sacrifice a small animal, fast for a week, buy a rosary...JUST TELL ME HOW OT GET OUT OF HERE.

And I swear by all that is good any holy in my life -- GOD SPOKE TO ME. Now I did not hear a booming voice or nothing majestic, it was my voice....but I KNOW IT WAS NOT ME. Cause I NEVER would have said this. He said.....

"Give Leroy 40-11 dollars."

Now I use 40-11 here cause the amount is not important. Just listen.

While I normally would have talked this over with IJ, there was no time. I was moments away from going into a diabetic coma or passing out from dehydration. And my friend (WHO DROVE) must have eaten a buffet before we came -- cause she was NO WHERE near ready.

So, I reached in my purse to write a check. It was worth my life. And as I pulled my checkbook out -- I saw there were only deposit slips. I WAS OUT OF CHECKS.

"Sorry God, I would have written a check...but I am out. Now, can I leave?"

AND THEN here we go again...

"You have your check card - go to the ATM." I kid you not that is what God said.

SERIOUSLY! I mean he has to spin all the orbits and make it rain and orchestrate peace and solve hunger -- and he KNOWS ABOUT MY CHECK CARD??? So -- in the 90 degree weather I take my debit card and go outside to find an ATM.... and this is what I see...Barren Land. I start to walk -- and 8,421 miles later I see this.You say Wachovia -- I say Promised Land. Now here is the KICKER -- I took my credit card instead of my debit card. Sounds trivial -- but I DO NOT HAVE A PIN number for my credit card. IT WAS THE WRONG CARD. So I walk all the way back to the church to get the right card.

And guess who I see as I am walking up -- LEROY -- in the parking lot -- SMOKING! SMOKING. Seriously God, if he has enough money to buy cigarettes does he need MY MONEY?

So I get the right card and go back to the bank... Then, this is the message I get --

Sorry God, I tried. The ATM machine is down -- AND THEN LIKE A LIGHT FROM HEAVEN I LOOKED ACROSS THE STREET AND SAW THIS...ANOTHER BANK!At this point and time I was sweating like a PIG -- the whole B.O. thing was quite ironic now. But alas, I had used my card too many times at this point and it denied me too. I walked back to the church -- hot, sweaty, mad and not feeling the whole prayer thing. I was livid with such a wild goose chase.

I mean how many times have I "heard" God speak in my life -- uhm -- ONCE. ONCE in 33 years. Now in a matter of hours he has talked to me TWICE over NOTHING. Then, just to add to my HORRIBLE mood -- he talks -- one last time.

I look over at the table and he says -- ask him for his address and MAIL IT TO HIM!

That is when I got all sassy --

"GOD -- you are tellin me to ask LEROY - BO, snot spewin LEROY for his ADDRESS so I can mail him a CHECK??? Uhm, seriously all-knowing one -- could you have not asked me this BEFORE I spent the last hour of MY LIFE in the heat trying to find and ATM.

Ironically, he did not respond back. He seems to be a bigger person than me and all.

So, I got Leroy's address which was AWKWARD and humiliating and WEIRD....and we walked out to our car to leave and Leroy followed us smoking and askin what in "tarnation" I could be sending.

Then, he looked up and asked, "It ain't an electric guitar is it?"

Gosh, God always makes me smile.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just can't believe we had no Twitter updates during this entire prayer meeting. You must have really been praying!!! Or else they had no reception in that church.

Melinda said...

OMGosh! That has GOT to be one of the funniest things I have EVER read in my life!!!!!
I will never be the same ...OMGosh!!!

Linda said...

My back is hurting, my sides are splitting, I'm gagging and snorting! That is too funny!

TJ said...

In times like these we must consider that our dear loving and quite powerful God has an awesome sense of humor. And he may have wanted to star on your blog for a day. - I'm just saying. . . .

Goodwife said...

I think it is wonderful that you heard God speaking to you. I also think it is wonderful that you listened! I think that He talks to us all the time, we just don't recognize it as Him unless and until we are ready to hear it. I hope that you go ahead and send Leroy the money. Even if you never ever know why you sent it, God does these things to us for a reason! God Bless you and Leroy!

ps........God made you AND your nose, He will forgive you for the B.O. prejudice!

Farmgirl Paints said...

Girl you can spin a tale. That was hilarious.

Boy will he be surprised when he opens that envelope. Good for you for obeying what God was telling you to do...and on the first time.

Anonymous said...

I think this fits your situation perfectly...you were truly an instrument of our Lord...and a funny one at that~

LITANY OF HUMILITY
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...

From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

Dana and Daisy said...

and... He got you out of there didn't he?

Kila said...

I can believe it. I just wrote out a check for $20 to someone because God told me to.

Perhaps in this case a money order would be better than a personal check.

Know what you mean about the need to eat. I wouldn't have lasted through that service! Three hours is it for me.

Shellgirl said...

oh my dear dear country girl! You made me laugh and I really needed that today!

My son, College Boy, says "Watch ova ya" for Wachovia... that made it even funnier!

Shellgirl said...

oh my dear dear country girl! You made me laugh and I really needed that today!

My son, College Boy, says "Watch ova ya" for Wachovia... that made it even funnier!

Shellgirl said...

oh my dear dear country girl! You made me laugh and I really needed that today!

My son, College Boy, says "Watch ova ya" for Wachovia... that made it even funnier!

Bella Rose said...

Your story made me laught out loud. I just love how you can tell a story!!! You made my day. I'm pretty sure I may have sat by Leroy in church before... I'm not sure I was listening to what God was telling me in that moment though. So good job!:)

-Mandy

City girl turned Country Girl said...

OMGosh!!! I have to say that was at least the funniest thing I've heard all week!! Sorry to laugh at your hard times :(....I seriously am with you on the BO thing...Can't handle that!!

Well you did great and I hope you feel some peace from this now!!

geebee said...

That's exactly how God talks to me CG. And I admire you for listening so well. I think I might have just ignored him on this day, and been one of those people that get irritated and walk out of the building....(5 hours?!) Anyway, thanks for making me laugh, and I swear, you are my soul sista!

Jennifer said...

Don't forget the amp.

Anonymous said...

lol! that's funny Jennifer! If someone's snot landed on me.....all I can say is the rest of the prayer group would be thinking I was feelin' the spirit 'cause I would be hoopin' and hollerin'!! God bless you CG you're a good woman.

Meemaw

PS I don't do well w/BO issues either....I would have asked who forgot to take a bath.

Anonymous said...

CG I think we are long lost sisters!!! I have BO issues too and get VERY VERY hateful hungry!

Uncle Trix

bakerchick103 said...

It was a holiness church wasn't it? I can remember going to services like that. I don't think I've been to one that lasted that long, but I felt like I was there for hours. And the snot thing, oh gag. I think I can handle BO better than that. *Shudder*

Anonymous said...

I have BO issues. My issue is that my BO smells like dill pickles. Yes, dill pickles. Why can't I ever be normal?

Marchelle said...

Oh Leroy.....dear, sweet, smelly Leroy...

I just want to know if you hear from him after he gets his package.

And I want to know what you binged on for lunch.