Conversations with God

WARNING: What I am about to type is first and foremost UNBELIEVABLE. If it had not happened to me I would not believe it. Secondly, please do not comment me and tell me how awful I am and how I might not get into heaven -- I am already very aware of these things.

This is just an honest conversation between God and a flawed Country Girl. I went to a little prayer meeting at a local church Saturday morning. When I told my friend I would go with her, I HAD NO CLUE what it would be. It was about 25 people in a tiny chapel talking to God. It was precious. Now, I could have EASILY been everyone's granddaughter -- possibly ever GREAT granddaughter - seriously. But I talk loud anyway so it all worked out.

Now as most of you are aware, I am a lover not a fighter. I embrace and accept all. I despise judgement and cling to love. I don't hate, I appreciate.

But I must confess two things to you. Please still love me.

1. I have a horrible prejudice against people with body odor. I know. I know. But it is true. I am a body odor bigot. I hide my face in shame.
   
2. When I get hungry -- like really really hungry. I am talkin hungry like a hostage, I get grumpy. Very grumpy. As in spinning head and pea soup on menopause. Seriously.

As I was getting ready to leave the house at 8:15 AM on a Saturday morning, I failed to eat breakfast -- I mean how long can a prayer meeting be, right? Uhm, at hour number three my belly was growling. At hour number four I was famished. At hour number five, the pea soup was about ready to burst forth in all it's glory. Now all this would have been fine and dandy except for Leroy behind me. Leroy -- dear sweet Leroy had forgotten his deo for his B.O. And at hour five, I was gagging. And although the sanctuary could have easily fit 100 people, we were all within a 2 x 2 seating space cause we just loved each other that much. And Leroy's chair was so close behind me I COULD FEEL HIS BREATH IN THE TOP OF MY HEAD! I KID YOU NOT! And Leroy was a bumper. He kept kneeing my chair sending me flying across the metal folding chair and catching myself on the wooden floor. Leroy was gettin my goat.

And just when I thought I had taken all a girl can take, Leroy started getting a WORD. A word from God. And it of course, got him all emotional. And he was a sniffin and a snortin and cryin like a southern woman. AND THEN -- THEN -- as he was wipin his nose -- A DRIPLET OF SNOT FELL ON MY ARM! Did you hear me A DRIPLET OF LEROY'S SNOT FELL ON MY ARM. I gagged outloud. And looked up to God -- like ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Several minutes passed a Leroy was waiting in the prayer line to get to the altar for healing. He was standing right beside me and I was seated with my arms crossed -- prayin something like this....

Seriously God! We are going on hour six. Can't you at least give me some manna? Where is that sweet aroma of prayer -- cause that CANNOT be the scent I am smelling. Lord, I will sacrifice a small animal, fast for a week, buy a rosary...JUST TELL ME HOW OT GET OUT OF HERE.

And I swear by all that is good any holy in my life -- GOD SPOKE TO ME. Now I did not hear a booming voice or nothing majestic, it was my voice....but I KNOW IT WAS NOT ME. Cause I NEVER would have said this. He said.....

"Give Leroy 40-11 dollars."

Now I use 40-11 here cause the amount is not important. Just listen.

While I normally would have talked this over with IJ, there was no time. I was moments away from going into a diabetic coma or passing out from dehydration. And my friend (WHO DROVE) must have eaten a buffet before we came -- cause she was NO WHERE near ready.

So, I reached in my purse to write a check. It was worth my life. And as I pulled my checkbook out -- I saw there were only deposit slips. I WAS OUT OF CHECKS.

"Sorry God, I would have written a check...but I am out. Now, can I leave?"

AND THEN here we go again...

"You have your check card - go to the ATM." I kid you not that is what God said.

SERIOUSLY! I mean he has to spin all the orbits and make it rain and orchestrate peace and solve hunger -- and he KNOWS ABOUT MY CHECK CARD??? So -- in the 90 degree weather I take my debit card and go outside to find an ATM.... and this is what I see...Barren Land. I start to walk -- and 8,421 miles later I see this.You say Wachovia -- I say Promised Land. Now here is the KICKER -- I took my credit card instead of my debit card. Sounds trivial -- but I DO NOT HAVE A PIN number for my credit card. IT WAS THE WRONG CARD. So I walk all the way back to the church to get the right card.

And guess who I see as I am walking up -- LEROY -- in the parking lot -- SMOKING! SMOKING. Seriously God, if he has enough money to buy cigarettes does he need MY MONEY?

So I get the right card and go back to the bank... Then, this is the message I get --

Sorry God, I tried. The ATM machine is down -- AND THEN LIKE A LIGHT FROM HEAVEN I LOOKED ACROSS THE STREET AND SAW THIS...ANOTHER BANK!At this point and time I was sweating like a PIG -- the whole B.O. thing was quite ironic now. But alas, I had used my card too many times at this point and it denied me too. I walked back to the church -- hot, sweaty, mad and not feeling the whole prayer thing. I was livid with such a wild goose chase.

I mean how many times have I "heard" God speak in my life -- uhm -- ONCE. ONCE in 33 years. Now in a matter of hours he has talked to me TWICE over NOTHING. Then, just to add to my HORRIBLE mood -- he talks -- one last time.

I look over at the table and he says -- ask him for his address and MAIL IT TO HIM!

That is when I got all sassy --

"GOD -- you are tellin me to ask LEROY - BO, snot spewin LEROY for his ADDRESS so I can mail him a CHECK??? Uhm, seriously all-knowing one -- could you have not asked me this BEFORE I spent the last hour of MY LIFE in the heat trying to find and ATM.

Ironically, he did not respond back. He seems to be a bigger person than me and all.

So, I got Leroy's address which was AWKWARD and humiliating and WEIRD....and we walked out to our car to leave and Leroy followed us smoking and askin what in "tarnation" I could be sending.

Then, he looked up and asked, "It ain't an electric guitar is it?"

Gosh, God always makes me smile.