Monday, January 18, 2010

The Farm. To Understand Her Is To Love Her

Granma said when you come on something good, first thing to do is share it with whoever you can find; that way, the good spreads out where no tellin it will go. Which is right.
Although not a direct quote from my Granma and Auntie; no truer words could have been spoken from the legacy of their lives. Share. Give. Spread. Cause at the end of the day, you know what life is all about? Others. They lived it. They showed me. They spread it. And thus, no tellin where it will go.
It's one of those days. Maybe it has been one of those weeks. I probably should have seen it coming. Maybe one of those seasons. I just can't seem to get it right. And when one of those days (or weeks or seasons) seems to creep her doubt into my life, I wonder if I will ever quite recover. And if I do, will I forget the lesson - yet again. I want comfort. I want to be where things just fit. So, I take myself to the place where that is -- to the place I can only go in my mind, cause when I travel there now it has all changed. And I cry. I cry cause it's gone. I cry cause she's gone. I cry cause sometimes change is more than I can bear. I cry cause as much as the newness excites me, the legacy tears me back to the comfort of where I come from. I would have liked to live that life forever, to have made that time stand still. But I can't. So hopefully, the roots ground me back to what made me ... well, me.

This is where I grew up. The farm. Just seeing it makes my heart swell -- and my eyes too. I can smell it. This is where I was raised, formed, molded -- this is where I grew. I seems like I was born with a pride for my family. It was between the 22nd and 23rd chromosomes: green eyes, brown hair, attached lobes, love for the farm. It's one of those mutations. I think it was from the well water. And so when I need a place of peace, this is where I go. (you can click to see bigger)
I take myself back to the summers. When we slept with our windows open. We didn't have air-conditioning and the crickets lulled me to sleep and the rooster really did wake me up - along with mom's lawn mower or Granpa's tractor. Or the possibility of a litter of kittens or hatching chicks. I lived in the same 10' x 10' bedroom for 20 years. This is the room I was brought home from the hospital in. The room I spent the night before my wedding. And everything in between: tooth fairies, Christmas Eves, Cabbage Patch tea parties, boyfriend conversations, proms, break-ups, graduation, college breaks - life. My life. It was safe, consistent ... and well, wonderful. My Great Grandma and her daughter, my Great Aunt, lived right next door in a 19th century farmhouse. Granma had lived there since her weddin day -- just look how happy they were....Granma and Auntie loved me. Raised me. Accepted me. Made me - me. Somehow, me and Auntie had an understanding that most folks just didn't know. I got her. I didn't pity her -- I honored her. I understood. She not only had my compassion, but my pride. To me, she was brave even as she stayed on the farm from fear. She was, well - My Auntie. Auntie loved animals. Loved them. We spent many spring days in they hay barn with another litter of kittens being born. Life seemed so exciting, fresh, simple, and well -- precious. Auntie taught me everyone deserves a second chance. That once you understand someone you can then grow to love them. Cause the root of all love is understanding. Granpa would take me out on the corn picker in the falls. Never talked. But he didn't have to. Granpa taught me when you understand and love someone, sometimes words can just mess it all up.
I miss it. I miss them. Maybe I miss the me I was. Maybe I just have to remember to hold on to the lessons.
Either way, on those days when I just can't seem to get it right, it's nice to go outside, close my eyes and remember. Remember that to understand someone is to love someone. That sometimes words can just mess it all up. And that I am me because of them. Things just don't get much better than that.

13 comments:

The Cotton Wife said...

That is a beautiful tribute. Farming is tough and uncertain but we wouldn't trade it for anything. We love watching our four babies grow up on the farm.

Brandy said...

What a beautiful post, CG. There really is nothing that beats going home...

Goodwife said...

The house that you and your family are sitting on the front porch of is GORGEOUS! Is that Great Gramma's house?

Pony Girl said...

What a sweet, sentimental post. I could almost hear the crickets. Was wondering about the house you and the fam were posed on. Have you ever thought about going back to your roots? Moving to the country, finding a house on a few acres? Maybe with a barn, even a shed, and you could get a pony for the twerps and watch kittens being born? Don't give up the dream. Don't forget your blog name! ;)

Anonymous said...

Someone recently told me that even though times may change, your foundation and integrity will always be the same. I know that yours are strong and secure, I've seen it first hand. Enjoy the ride, you will never be given more than you can handle.

J

Jensamom23 said...

What a beautiful tribute to where you came from. Thanks for sharing.

Dana and Daisy said...

and now look at ya! flittin around in NYC one day LA the next, makin friends on broadway and all. You did your mom and dad proud, in case they hadn't told ya lately. YOu are awesome and wonderful and I big fuzzy pink heart you with glitter!

love you CG.
D&D

1dad1life said...

What a wonderful post, it took me right back to when I was young and all the people I loved were still living, brought tears to my eyes.

Thanks for sharing that.

Melinda said...

OMGOSH! I nominated you for an award on my blog today and dont you know I hurried over here to let you know and now Im covered in tears and mascara...So beautiful...I hope it was ok I nominated our for the award..sniffle...

Marchelle said...

when we were there and i asked where granma's house was, and you said it was gone, i almost cried.
=( i soooo wanted to see it.

i think you should do like PG said and one day have your own farm. build it brand new but build it to look just like granma's house.

@meintweet said...

Good read, especially today. Life really is about others. My life is richer because of friends. As you have done it to the least of these...

Jaime Mac said...

I drove past there just yesterday... (jealous?! :) & I can't believe how much it's changed!!! Glad you have such great memories of living there!

Heather said...

This is just an amazing post! I could feel myself there at the farm. And your family sounds amazing, how fortunate you are to have those connections, those memories...

and love the photos too! They do look awful excited to be getting hitched ;)