Thursday, February 18, 2010

I Can't Even Type It Into the Title. That's How Much It Makes My Hiney Clinch

I love words. MmmKay. That is a gross understatement. I big pink fuzz heart with glitter love words. With a cherry on top.

It is also ironic. Cause I never use words correctly. Like I don't follow the rules or use them in the right context. But I never have been one to fit the mold. Unless its a Jello mold. Then we can negotiate cause I love orange Jello. Amen.

Anyhoo, in real important meetings at work with really smart people I sometimes make up words. And think they might not notice. I don't really like to label them as "made up words," but I challenge us to think of them as words not yet discovered. I am a birther of words. I have word spawn. And the stretch marks to prove it. Amen.

Or sometimes I combine words to give the facade that I am smart and hip and cool and they are all dorks for not knowing about the words. I like to think I am increasing their vocabulary. It's like I use both slang and language. I speak slanguage. Hick slanguage. I also speak Pig Latin. It's nice to be bilingual. Oh, you only speak Mandarin Chinese? Yeah, I eat their oranges. Daily. Try to contain your jealousy. Don't hate, apprecaite.

One of my finer moments was when I mixed up the words reGard and reTard. Minor error.

And most recently, I said "She doesn't need your condensation." Instead of condescension. Details Schmetails. I think both could be true. Think about what the humidity does to your hair. I was trying to look out for her at all angles. Or is it angels?

But there is one word on the English language that makes my hiney clinch and my toes curl. I can't stand it. I hate to be do persnickety about it. But its just true dadgummit.

Now I am a lover not a fighter and I love and embrace all, but if one thing could bring me to disdain, its this word aversion. Just sayin it makes me feel awkward and I begin to dry heave.


{excuse me, I need a moment}

This word is good for nothing. Except cake. And please don't ruin my moment of intimate love while eating cake by using this satanic adjective to depict it. Please just call it "My thighs sing forth in glory." I think we all can agree this is true.

Now this word seems to be poppin up everywhere Moist Towelette. Seriously? I just picture a damp breeding ground for mold growth. I can literally see the bacteria doubling. Moist. Yug.

But now serendipitous. Ohhhh...that word makes my skirt fly up. And giggle and smithereens and tickle and glitter and snort. Now those are words a girl can live by.

But moist?!?! I beseech you dear brethren - turn, repent, for the kingdom in near!

Please Dear Lord let that word be no more forever. Amen.


Molly said...

HA HA!! Moist! Come to think of it, that word is quite dirty, makes my heiny clinch too. There is one word that I loathe so bad it makes me sea sick :( That word would be booger! Oh my just typing it made me dry heave! Hope you weekend is fabulous daaarrling!!
~Molly P

Oklahoma Granny said...

Could you hear my snorting laughter as I read this post? You are too funny, girlie!

The word - actually the pronunciation of the word - that is like needles on a blackboard to me is the word SCHEDULE. I have no problem with the American pronunciation of it. However, the way the British pronounce it - OH! MY! GOODNESS! Sorry to anyone from Britain that might be reading this but I can't help myself. And I know many LOVELY British folks - just can't go the way they say schedule.

theelizabethhighsmith said...

one word, just one: indubitably

so it's five, who's counting?

Paige said...

I wish I could remember the boner I pulled when I was giving a speech to a pack of judges and med students. It was such a doozy, I am blushing just thinking about it and I cannot even remember what it was.

At least you know when you get it wrong, and don't just keep repeating it like its right. That makes me bats

Chris said...

At a company meeting (mandatory for every employee) closing, the president of our company asked if there was anything else anyone wanted to discussed. I co-worker raised her hand and shouted that she "would like to find out why our genital services are so horrible". She meant to say janitorial. She was famous for mixing up words. You might not want to ever complain about janitorial services in the future.

Scrappy Girl said...

Never considered it much...but it is kinda yucky.

Brandy said...

haha this post made me laugh. Words not yet discovered?! genius!

Alyssa said...

I hate when foods are described as chunky...sounds like chunder! I was announcing door prizes at a luncheon with about 100 in attendence and one item was a gift card to a service station named sevchecks... I announced a gift card to the cervix station...whoops!!!!

Dana and Daisy said...

you have a wonderous vocabularity.

The Kelso-Winter Family said...

there's a word for words that sound like what they are. and you are averse to the word aversion which is appropriate. your brain is a fertile moist ground i might say!