I Got A Pocket Got A Pocket Full of Sunshine

I always have the internal dilemma of whether I share too much on this silly ol blog or not. But I don't know how NOT to share. I don't know how to NOT be me. Believe me -- I've tried...but inevitably the same country girl who thinks everyone is her BFF rears her head up time and time again. My motto? I love EVERYBODY, so why doesn't everybody love me? I think it's best we leave that one unanswered.

One thing that is as consistent as the day is long -- us Southern Women are in love with avoidance. It is our saving grace. When sorrows like sea billows rolls -- we just apply an extra layer of lip gloss, pinch our cheeks and pretend life is all kittens and rainbows. Yes, avoidance is our secret lover indeed.

So are grits, sweet tea, and monogrammed towels - but that's another story for another therapy session. Hypothetically speaking and all.

Anyhoo -- if you might recall, about six months ago I had this nodule mass thingy found on my neck -- and while I was most certain it was a glitter pocket almost plump enough to shower forth upon all -- the doctors still wanted to check it out. Cause apparently, a bursting glitter pocket could put an eye out. So they biopsied it and someone in a very thick accent called me while I was in California and I could have sworn she said it was benign. Fine. Okay. All good. Amen. Let's celebrate with a glass of Cupcake wine, shall we? Okay -- TWO, but only if you insist.

Then, a couple weeks ago I fell deathly ill. Indiana Jones had left and would not be back until June (just a friendly reminder that if you are a 40 year old man reading this in your whitey tighties, I am a card carryin member of the NRA. Just sayin). And while I was in NYC I got a fever (not married in a fever, just clarifyin for Johnny Cash and all) and I was shivering and felt just lousy. I ached in my chest and my armpits. A strange combination, but my armpits have always felt neglected. So they cry out for attention occasionally. It's a cross I must bear.

Anyhoo, I called the doctor up and the doctor said, "YOU HAVE STREP THROAT and lo and behold your lymph nods are the size of fried up dumplins. We are fairly certain you have mono"

So I went home and slept for 3 days. When I awoke I was like WHAT DO YOU MEAN RONALD REAGAN IS NOT PRESIDENT -- and WHO ARE YOU? WHAT?! WHEN DID I HAVE CHILDREN?

Then I got up and applied lip gloss, curled my hair, and felt like I could conquer the world.

Until the follow up call came.

Uhm, we got your blood work back. Can you come in for more tests?

And off I went. And off they went to telling me this -- and only this, so help me God.

The mass in your neck is larger. And there are more. And you SHOULD have come back sooner since your last tests were inconclusive. Schedule another biopsy immediately.

Uhm, exsqueeze me -- a baking powder? INCONCLUSIVE? What you talkin about Willis?

Soooo -- I went back on Thursday and had another biopsy -- which is basically the equivalent to putting a straw in a Capri Sun.
And now I wait.

But here is what I do know -- cause I asked 3 main questions

1. Will I die? No. Worse case scenario they will take out my thyroid and some lymph nodes and then follow up with a radiation pill. But I WILL NOT die. So I am now taking bak my grandmother's ring from ET. And my neighbor needs to give me back my silver.


2. Will I lose my hair? (these are not in order of importance mind you) No. While it may thin a little (VERY LITTLE) I will not lose my hair. Thank you Lord Jesus.


3. Will I get fat? Only if I eat Krispie Kreme every morning for breakfast. At this point and time there was awkward silence. While I would be on medication for the rest of my life and scans will always be a part of my life, I should only gain the weight from the side effects of key lime pie -- the wench it is and all.
   

Best case scenario -- it is just a mass of tootie fruity and we will just have to keep an eye on her. So she doesn't burst forth in jubilee.

So that is where I am. I have the neck of Uncle Vito but the optimism the size of the Texas sky.

So -- if you ain't too busy over the next few days -- say a Hail Mary, or light a candle, or rub Buddah's belly, or give a shout out to the big JC (not Penney's) and when I do burst forth, I'll make sure some of that glitter is sent your way.

XXXOOO,

Country Girl

I Send an SOS to the World

Sooo, ET came home with a project from school. A project that gave her the opportunity to learn from a mother who could teach her to sew, create, and invest in the art of homemaking -- unfortunately, she has me, so she will be learning none of these things.

Instead I come to you -- my soul mates.

ET is involved in an entrepreneur project in which she has to:

1. Take $10 and buy craft supplies
2. Create a "product" (up to 20)
3. Market and sell your product for no more than $2 per item (to 7th and 8th graders)

And I am at a loss of what she can MAKE. I can't sew a button to save my sweet precious life. And she has NO interest in making lip gloss or glitter pockets. I know. I know. I wept as well.

I did give her two other choices:
or --

Both of which she feels are THE most INSANE crafts she has ever seen in her LIFE. GAWD.

What to the evah.

She wants to make some type of locker magnets or organizers ?????

I want to pay someone to be a good mother for the rest of the week.

CAN ANYONE PUH LEEZE help me?

Her BFF is doing jewelry so she wants to stay away from that --

Oh heaven please shower your mercy and grace upon my life and SOMEONE who has a creative craft bone in their body help a momma out.

This Mess of a Woman

I woke up this morning to the sound of machine guns and billowing voices. I allowed one eye to slit open only to see an army hat blur by followed by a grenade to my face.

The battle was one. The war had been waged -- and I was the target for destruction.

But I am a lover, not a fighter. Please STOP FIGHTING! Please stop the struggle.

The struggle for peace, for balance, for approval, for air.

I feel this oozes over to my life. My body aches. My mind is weary. I have no patience. I want to pull the covers over my head and try to allow the decibel level of the screams not only of my spawn - but of my life - to be at a tolerable, manageable level. I don't wait to fight. I don't want to struggle anymore.

I need place where my soul can breathe.

A place that when the footprints of doubt are stamped across my body I can cleanse myself -- be naked...be exposed.....be vulnerable....be who you I am...and still feel sufficient.

I need that place. I need to sit. And be still. And know, that I am not enough. Put that His grace is sufficient for me.

I have too much on my plate -- and I am doing none of it well, but all of it half-way. There is only one of me - not four. And it would take four of me to do it all right now.

I need to get back. Back to those days when summer vacation lasted two and a half years. And when a sunny day and watermelon meant heaven. My love for life did not change as I have grown up, but other things have grown so large they have shoved that love in the corner.

And need I remind you -- Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

So she is coming back. And this mess of a woman will be all straightened up.

And pick glitter can once again be showered to all.

But not til after my mid morning nap.

Amen.

PS As I went to click the publish button, BT came in and said, "MOMMA! I can't believe you forgot. I am serious. You forgot to spoil me! When you gonna do that?"

And with that, I smiled.

Tradition: Easter Cookies

We have an Easter tradition at our house of making these cookies while telling the Easter story. Since we were on vaca on Easter, I told the kids this week was Easter -- now as we are headed to church I am rethinking the consequences to this lie. But at least they now know Jesus died on the cross for my sins so now I am forgiven. So there. Amen.

You will need:
Bible (I put the scriptures below in case you are like me and well, in case you are like me)
1 cup sugar
1 cup whole pecans (You can omit. Still use for the story, just do not add.)
1 zip-lock baggie
1 wooden spoon
Dash of salt
1 teaspoon vinegar
3 egg whites
tapePreheat oven to 300° F.

Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces.

Explain that after Jesus was arrested He was beaten by the Roman soldiers. (We broke them, but omitted in the mix. They make my tongue itch.)

Read John 19:1-3

Then Pilate therefore took Jesus, and scourged Him. And the soldiers platted a crown of thorns, and put it on His head, and they put on Him a purple robe, And said, Hail, King of the Jews! and they smote Him with their hands. John 19:1-3

Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 tsp. vinegar into mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross He was given vinegar to drink.

Read John 19:28-30

After this, Jesus knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the scripture might be fulfilled, saith, I thirst. Now there was set a vessel full of vinegar: and they filled a sponge with vinegar, and put it upon hyssop, and put it to His mouth. When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, He said, It is finished: and He bowed His head, and gave up the ghost. John 19:28-30

Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us life.
Read John 10:10-11

The thief come not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. I am the Good Shepherd: the Good Shepherd give His life for the sheep. John 10:10-11

Sprinkle a little salt into each child's hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus' followers, and the bitterness of our own sin.

Read Luke 23:27
And there followed Him a great company of people, and of women, which also bewailed and lamented Him. Luke 23:27

So far the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 cup sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loves us. He wants us to know we belong to Him.

Read Psalm 34:8 and John 3:16

O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trust in Him. Psalm 34:8

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believe in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God's eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus. (I beat for 10 minutes in high. It had the consistency of melted marshmallows.)

(Please note the 12 year old throwing a hissy fit cause the 6 year old gets more mixing time than her. She should be SO thankful Jesus died on the cross for her sins.)

Read Isaiah1:18 and John 3:1-3

Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. Isaiah 1:18

There was a man of the Pharisees, named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews: The same came to Jesus by night, and said unto him, Rabbi, we know that thou art a teacher come from God: for no man can do these miracles that Thou doest, except God be with Him. Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. John 3:1-3

Fold in broken nuts (if you wanna add em). Drop by teaspoons onto parchment paper covered cookie sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus' body was laid.

Read Matthew 27:57-60

When the even was come, there came a rich man of Arimathaea, named Joseph, who also himself was Jesus' disciple: He went to Pilate, and begged the body of Jesus. Then Pilate commanded the body to be delivered. And when Joseph had taken the body, he wrapped it in a clean linen cloth, And laid it in his own new tomb, which he had hewn out in the rock: and he rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulchre, and departed. Matthew 27:57-60

Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF.

Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus' tomb was sealed.

Read Matthew 27:65-66

Pilate said unto them, Ye have a watch: go your way, make it as sure as ye can. So they went, and made the sepulchre sure, sealing the stone, and setting a watch. Matthew 27:65-66

GO TO BED! Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight.
Jesus' followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed.

Read John 16:20-22

Verily, verily, I say unto you, That ye shall weep and lament, but the world shall rejoice: and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy. A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remember no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world. And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man take from you. John 16:20-22

On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie.

Notice the cracked surface and take a bite.

The cookies are hollow! On the first Easter, Jesus' followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty.

Read Matthew 28:1-9

In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre. And, behold, there was a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it. His countenance was like lightning, and His raiment white as snow: And for fear of Him the keepers did shake, and became as dead men. And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified. He is not here: for He is risen, as He said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay. And go quickly, and tell His disciples that He is risen from the dead; and, behold, He go before you into Galilee; there shall ye see Him: lo, I have told you. And they departed quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy; and did run to bring His disciples word. And as they went to tell His disciples, behold, Jesus met them, saying, All hail. And they came and held Him by the feet, and worshipped Him. Matthew 28:1-9

Then go to church in your white pants and pastels and eat your kids Cadberry eggs.

Purell, Pee, and Prayers

This child? Oh how he melts my heart. He marches to the beat of a different drummer. Actually, he skips to the harpsichord. It's more his thang.But from the time he was born he has known what he has liked and what makes his forehead crinkle - and let's be honest, people pay lots of moolah to get rid of the forehead crinkle so I am trying to prevent this in Baby Twerp at an early age. Botox is no goal worth reaching. But Baby Twerp was born with an aqua allergy. And it was quite clear the first time I put him in a pool of water and he broke out in wailing and gnashing of teeth. And let me just tell you honey child, that Penicillin does NOTHING for hysterics. Believe me, I tried. It was a cryin shame. However, slowly but surely we have built up an immunity to water. And we are now able to get up to our neck in nice chlorinated, germ free water. With goggles of course - to protect the retina and possibly bacterial eye infections - duh. Not to mention while most children have their pockets stuffed with rocks or frogs or army men, BT has travel-sized Purells. It's just his thang.

So while we were at the beach, there was NO WAY in Dante's Inferno that BT was going to have any part of ENTERING the ocean. Sure, it was purty. Sure, we loved the sound. But actually GO INTO ITS BACTERIAL PIT INFESTATION? Don't get crazy! We had too much work to do on the beach calculating the amount of sand it would take to do any sort of damage to his immune system. And we have to go to our happy spot and turn potential disease infested grains of sand into a heavenly being -- thus "Sand Angels."But the waves were just too much for him and the calmness of the shore has much more of an enticing drawl. But there was one advantage to going into the ocean we had not calculated.

Uhm, exsqueeze me? Baby Twerp?!?!?

Just go IN THE OCEAN! Ahhhhh.

Help me Baby Jesus.

I Want Another One

child.

Not husband.

I felt as though I should clarify.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Well Lord have mercy on my sweet precious soul. My heart has found a home. And the spawn?

I think these pics say it all...

We are never leaving. Never. Ever. And you can't make me. Period. Amen.

But we took a boat to this little private island and I remember going here as a kid....so I wanted a group pic. Just like I had as a kid. And the coordiantion for this pic took forty-eleven minutes and seventy-twenty threats and a coon's ages worth of bribes. and. we. finally. got. it. Until the TIDE CAME IN.... And the freezing COLD waterrushed up on Baby Twerp -- who was having no part of it. And then it hit my squishy patooshie...Which made my old hiney get to moving Amen.
Then IJ made me change lickity split so he could take me out honkey tonkin. And I have not washed my hair all week so don't go to judgin.

Amen.