Monday, June 23, 2008

Medieval Torture Chamber

I detest shopping for swimsuits. It is kinda the equivalent to getting a bikini wax. I would guess cause I would never subject myself to such medieval torture. I mean absolutely HATE shopping for swimsuits. I have two...one I bought two years ago for our 10 year anniversary vaca..the other I bought at Wal Mart on a mission trip to Mexico cause I forgot a swimsuit -- and it was needed to bathe in the creek. Okay, Okay, I have my pregnancy one too so that really makes three and I got a bikini when I was prego cause I think pregnant bellies are the CUTEST thing ev-er. But I will not be wearing that anytime soon....and it is three years old.

But my lifestyle has changed and instead of wearing Georgiuo and Ann Taylor in meetings all day with my laptop...I now spend 80% of my time in a swimsuit with three Twerps and baby wipes. So I must succumb to the event I diametrically oppose and give the swimsuit companies an insane amount of money for less material than my newborn's burp cloth.

I am shopping online cause there is NO WAY in Hades I can take three Twerps into store to try on a swimsuit without the door being opened and people seeing me naked. And let's face it, that would be devastating for everyone involved. So I have narrowed it down to the following.

And let me just say a few words before we begin, shall I? No one...NO ONE looks like the following ladies in a swimsuit. Well, unless you have invested 10m in plastic surgery. And I am not above it...not at all...just don't have a spare 1om...Ya know what I am sayin? But if I did....

And secondly, who has ever been in any of these poses naturally? I mean have you EVER looked like this EV-ER? Seriously?

Okay, here is option 1....I would probably not do a belted bottom though...too Farrah Fawcett. And my top size would be smaller....much much smaller. And I don't think I have ever come out of the lake with this look on my face...and playing with my hair...Who plays with their hair at the lake? And says with their eyes...Oh yeah...Like in Farris Beuller? Ya with me? Here is option 2...same thing in a bikini...Tell it to me like it is girlfriend...are my bikini days over? Does it gross you out to see a mom over 30 in a bikini at the beach...Let it rip....And let me just say for the record...I would NOT look like this in this pic...not at all...not even a little....unless I had 10m. And this pose? Yea, this is how I always look when I am changing Baby Twerp's swimmie diaper. I go and crouch in the lake and have the come hither look on my face. I MEAN SERIOUSLY? If you saw a woman do this at the lake would you not pick your kids up and run to the car? Unless you are a man...and if you saw this at the lake, you would go help her out cause she so looks in distress. And you all are so chivalrous like that. Option 3....I'll be honest...I like this cause it reminds me of the 80's band White Snake. Seriously. And that sand on her thigh looks uncomfortable and I bet it is other places too. Option 4...but again...the top size would be MUCH smaller...like instead of a 34 DDD, I would just need a 34 D....Ha Ha Ha Ho Ho Ho Hee Hee Hee Giggle Giggle Snort! But again, I would go with black boy shorts on this one....no belted bottom.... And probably would never bend my back in this acute angle pose...unless I was saving a life.
So give it up Ladies. Tell me like it is...Hold nothing back. Give me your Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Aggressions? Let loose. Go forth and spew. But please don't make me cry.

14 comments:

Jen said...

I love option #1 even with the belted bottoms. #2 looks like granny pannies don't like it as much. But if you can pull off a bikini which in my opinion you can then go for a bikini. #3 the tie on the bottoms is it sewn that way or does it just tie. I can see a twerp untieing it just to see what happens. Not sure about the last one. But that is just my opinion I haven't bought a suit in years to much of a scary site me in a swimming suit.

Brandy said...

I like the last choice. It is a cute print. And dont worry about the bikini! If you still look good in it, it doesnt matter what age you are! Go for it girl!!

Jenn said...

I def. like option 4 the best. Very cute!

Jenn said...

I def. like option 4 the best. Very cute!

~Mad said...

I very much like #1 - just all-round good looking and you can pick up your littlest twerp in it without 'everything' moving God-knows-where! And I like the belted look on #1 as well.

I'm seriously jealous - it has been - well, I won't say how long it's been since I wore a "two piece" (what we called then back in the day!

Swimmingly,
~Mad(elyn) in Alabama
www.xanga.com/madewyn

Working Mom said...

OK, I LOVE the White Snake one. And the first one I like alot too. I'm diggin the brown.
Not that I have anything against the bikinis, because you could totally wear one. I say as long as its not like a thong and its not something you would see another mom wearing and be like "OH NO SHE DI-INT" then you would be safe to wear it yourself. They are all cute really, I just like the tankinis myself.

CindyDianne said...

I like the White Snake one too! It's all "Look at me, I am a sexy Mama" without showing too much of Mama!

hope4grace said...

White snake all the way baby......although just the thought of that just made me throw my snack away, I'm going on a diet asap.......seriously wish me luck.

Deb said...

I would pick #1 just cause it sooo cute. And about the bikini thing...you can do go for it!! I would if I felt ok with having my dunlap hanging over the bottoms....but seeing as I don't feel good about that I will save everyone's eyesight and go with a one piece. I like #4 print very much. #3 didn't look comfortable cause that o-ring thing on the bottoms looks like it would dig into my hip bone. The print is super cool though. Just my thoughts and your are gorgeous to begin with so any suit you pick would be perfect. By the way...you are so a girl after my own heart with the Jose pictures. I laughed sooo hard cause finally someone thinks like me. Love the blog. Deb

ptamom3 said...

I like #1 the best. Just kind of looks like you... like I know you or something- ha ha.. well at least I feel like I do sometimes. Good luck at choosing the best one for you.. what's IJ think? That might be the clincher.

spanki said...

alright, now i am a mother of 4...FOUR! and i am in my 30's too, and it's not the body i had in my college days! but, i am have the same problem, a two piece is hard to pull off when you have 4 kids following you around! but i look just nasty in a one piece and just assume live in alaska if i had to wear one! so, like you said going shopping w/ kids for such an emotional item such as a swim suit is impossible, i get mine online too! i have suit #1-2 and #4. EXCEPT... i have the full coverage halter w/ underwire (to hold the ladies in) and i have the skirted bottoms (the ones that are attached so you don't lose them in the water). i have it in those patterns and solid black and the red and ... well let's just say.. Victoria has a secret from my hubby - shhh, he'd die if he knew i spent that on 9 million suits! to make a long story short - i like them and can recommend them first hand! good luck!

The Rose Fam said...

OK Country Girl...I know Spanki personally and she's skinny and beautiful! Just like you! So, I'm sure you girls can pull any of these suits off! It's simply disgusting, but I'm not envious or anything!

Dana Jones said...

If you have a flat belly, then I say go for the bikini. I wore one until I noticed my lower tummy wasn't getting equal sunning time as the top side. Now I look for those two pieces that cover the stomach entirely and have the little skirts on the bottoms. You know you're over the hill when you try one on and think, "hmm! This doesn't look bad on me!" What's next for me, a rubber band around my pocket book and a tissue stuffed up my cardigan sleeve?

Kim said...

#1 definitely! It is classy and sophisticated - just like you.