I detest shopping for swimsuits. It is kinda the equivalent to getting a bikini wax. I would guess cause I would never subject myself to such medieval torture. I mean absolutely HATE shopping for swimsuits. I have two...one I bought two years ago for our 10 year anniversary vaca..the other I bought at Wal Mart on a mission trip to Mexico cause I forgot a swimsuit -- and it was needed to bathe in the creek. Okay, Okay, I have my pregnancy one too so that really makes three and I got a bikini when I was prego cause I think pregnant bellies are the CUTEST thing ev-er. But I will not be wearing that anytime soon....and it is three years old.
But my lifestyle has changed and instead of wearing Georgiuo and Ann Taylor in meetings all day with my laptop...I now spend 80% of my time in a swimsuit with three Twerps and baby wipes. So I must succumb to the event I diametrically oppose and give the swimsuit companies an insane amount of money for less material than my newborn's burp cloth.
I am shopping online cause there is NO WAY in Hades I can take three Twerps into store to try on a swimsuit without the door being opened and people seeing me naked. And let's face it, that would be devastating for everyone involved. So I have narrowed it down to the following.
And let me just say a few words before we begin, shall I? No one...NO ONE looks like the following ladies in a swimsuit. Well, unless you have invested 10m in plastic surgery. And I am not above it...not at all...just don't have a spare 1om...Ya know what I am sayin? But if I did....
And secondly, who has ever been in any of these poses naturally? I mean have you EVER looked like this EV-ER? Seriously?
Okay, here is option 1....I would probably not do a belted bottom though...too Farrah Fawcett. And my top size would be smaller....much much smaller. And I don't think I have ever come out of the lake with this look on my face...and playing with my hair...Who plays with their hair at the lake? And says with their eyes...Oh yeah...Like in Farris Beuller? Ya with me? Here is option 2...same thing in a bikini...Tell it to me like it is girlfriend...are my bikini days over? Does it gross you out to see a mom over 30 in a bikini at the beach...Let it rip....And let me just say for the record...I would NOT look like this in this pic...not at all...not even a little....unless I had 10m. And this pose? Yea, this is how I always look when I am changing Baby Twerp's swimmie diaper. I go and crouch in the lake and have the come hither look on my face. I MEAN SERIOUSLY? If you saw a woman do this at the lake would you not pick your kids up and run to the car? Unless you are a man...and if you saw this at the lake, you would go help her out cause she so looks in distress. And you all are so chivalrous like that. Option 3....I'll be honest...I like this cause it reminds me of the 80's band White Snake. Seriously. And that sand on her thigh looks uncomfortable and I bet it is other places too. Option 4...but again...the top size would be MUCH smaller...like instead of a 34 DDD, I would just need a 34 D....Ha Ha Ha Ho Ho Ho Hee Hee Hee Giggle Giggle Snort! But again, I would go with black boy shorts on this one....no belted bottom.... And probably would never bend my back in this acute angle pose...unless I was saving a life.
So give it up Ladies. Tell me like it is...Hold nothing back. Give me your Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Aggressions? Let loose. Go forth and spew. But please don't make me cry.