Monday, August 25, 2008

Mortification Memoirs

My Twerps have had some type of chip implanted into the depths of their cerebellum that while in public cues random screaming, wailing, gnashing of teeth and acts of behavior like miniature seizing monkeys set afire with the lapping flames of Hell. This I have accepted as throwing candy at them seems to douse the flames. However, judgement is still flame retardant to my evil demise.

While at Target today, [because that is our home away from home. It has started to disturb them that I am napping in the bedding aisle and hosting get togethers in the wine section. I call it networking, they call Security.] we had a little flare up. We had just check out of line in which they ask if I would like to save $3.21 by applying for a Target Red Card. Are they fer-real? As in three dollars and twenty one cents. As in three hundred and twenty one pennies? I am saving that credit app for when I purchase something whose saving lead at least something that is gonna be able to buy momma a new pair of shoes. Can I get a witness?

Anyhoo, after checking out, Middle Twerps starts the flailing limb dance and bow-back cry while Baby Twerp chimes in with his flesh burning screams of death for they have-est not received a toyeth.

At this point and time, as I am wheeling them away from civilization, a young mother approaches me and says,

I am so glad to see other people's children act this way. It makes me feel less like a failure.

Well, ya know, anything to help you out. That is what we are here for. And then I wink at the Twerps like we are putting on this show just for her self esteem and all.

She then touches my forearm and says, It is just beneficial and encouraging to see this kind of behavior from such a seasoned mom

Uhm, blog again? Did she just call me seasoned? Like a home fry?

I am buying some olive oil and lemon rub to combat these untrue lies.


Chris said...

I'll take a seasoned fry over a plain old non-seasoned fry anyday.

About that Target Girl,
You know when you try to say something nice and it backfires? Later you wish you had never said anything because it came out all wrong. Yeah, it sounds like target girl probably has that.

About your Hater (haters?),
Everyone has one. I have a few. I just look at it this way, if they are so hateful in their little lives that in order to feel better they have to send me little hate messages every day then they obviously have more serious problems then I could ever help them with. I mean, really, could you just imagine how sad their lives are that they have nothing else better to do then read blogs and send hateful messages?

Hi! My name is Heidi! said...

She prob meant it as a compliment:)

Dreams of a Country Girl said...

i agree, she was actally a very sweet young girl and i really believe she meant it as a compliment...

i am just saying...seasoned meant old.

i weep.

Dana Jones said...

I'm guessing she is NOT invited to the next movie and wine night at your house?

.Wife.Mom.Friend. said...'re not old! I must have missed the hater on your blog! When did this happen? I could totally use some "networking" time at Target! You crack me up!

Marchelle said...

sister. i am tellin you she meant it from the bottom of her heart, because she speaks on my behalf. nevermore do i cringe when i hear screaming children in the store now that i have my own. its like sweet music.

and i'm sure by seasoned she meant "pro" cause you have 3 and all, cause if you are old, then i am old, and i'm telling you, i am NOT old. amen.