Thursday, December 11, 2008

I Would Like to Thank All the Serial Killers

If you are a mom of small children you might get this post, if you are a single mom with small children there is a good chance you can relate to this post, if you have a mental illness, you will TOTALLY understand.

The Twerps go to bed at 8 pm SHARP. Why? Cause they have to get up at 6:15 am and cause most of the really good shows come on at 9 pm and this allows me to get a little liquored up before they come on. I KID. Seriously, I am totally kidding. Really.

Anyhoo, IJ has been out of town this week and I have been a little lenient of bed time. Why? Cause I just can't say no to these eyes.And if they pull out the lip, I am a gonner. I total gonner. I am putty in their hands.Well, last night or tonight (however you wanna look at it) Jetix had The Fabulous Four on at 8:00 pm. As to taunt the midgets of my humble adobe. And the cries and whines began...and I caved.

So at 8:30 pm, we were crawling into bed and OF COURSE they were ALL in my bed and OF COURSE I had to lie down with them. AND OF COURSE, I had to PRETEND to be asleep which OF COURSE led to me waking up at 1 am to realize I had fallen asleep at 8:30 and was no longer tired.

So I got up and did what ANY sane person would do at 1 am. I showered.

And while I was in the shower I heard a bump. Yes, I know A BUMP! {Gasp}

It could have been the wind. It could have been a Twerp falling out of bed. It could have been the next door fraternity boys doing GOD ONLY KNOWS what. I could have been a small knick knack falling off the wall. It could have been Eldest Twerp carrying Baby Twerp back to his bed cause he is a thrasher. It COULD have been any of those things. But it wasn't.

At 1 am on a week night while my husband was out of town and I was the sole defender of my spawn, that bump could have been innocent. But I knew it was trouble. Instantly.

I had gone to bed at 8:30 pm and had not secured the premises. It was, most certainly, a SERIAL KILLER. And I was going to die naked and with wet hair. I started to weep, but I knew I had to pull myself together.

I had just conditioned my hair and shaved one leg (I do nothing in order people) but had no other option than to leave the shower and defend my family's freedom.

I left the shower running so he (the serial killer) would not know I was onto his evil plot and began the search for a weapon. And just FYI, we store no good weapons in the Master bath. Just FYI. So, I grabbed my curling iron. (And put on one of IJ's dirty t-shirts laying on the floor.)

I then turned off the bathroom light - as to not give way my position when I opened the door (SHIVERED CAUSE IT WAS FREEZING) and tip toed down the stairs.

Did I check on the Twerps? I forgot that silly minor detail. Don't go to judgin.

Anyhoo, as I rounded the corner to face my destiny I saw a figure, raised my curling iron, and SCREAMED....


And I peed.

Only to realize it was Eldest Twerp. Coming to get a drink of water. And let me just say...the picture of me standing there soaking wet with conditioner dripping down me and curling iron raised to the heavens and one of IJ's t-shirts on -- was a little too much for her. And she started to cry.

I hugged her and asked why she was crying. (DUH)

ET: "You scared me."

ME: "I am so sorry, I thought you were a serial killer."

ET: "No, I'm not hungry. I only wanted water."

And if you get that ladies and gentlemen, then you TOTALLY understand my family.


{I must now go rinse my hair and shave a leg. Possibly not in that order though. I am such a rebel like that and all.}

PS I locked the door and set the alarm...and took a machete to bed -- so don't even think about it.

Big Pink Fuzzy Heart With Glitter,


Tracie said...

You are braver than me b'cuz if I were home alone with the twerps there is no way in h e double hockey sticks I would have gotten into the shower at 1am. Have you not seen Physco!? (sp-sorry). Gone to bed with all of them at 8:30 with a portable phone on the pillow-yes, shower when it's dark outside-no. Plus the door would have been locked at 6 cuz I am a fraidy kat like that!

Dana and Daisy said...

I'm with Tracy on this one!
Ooooooh, scary!

Please lock your door girlfriend, live with a locked door, You will get used to the inconvenience!

Although sometimes I admit I leave the cabin door unlocked and then the first bump I hear (and there are lots of them in the woods), I do what any mature woman would do, I hide under the covers!

BUt in the big city, I always lock my doors. It is more dangerous in the city!

Angelena said...

Totally understand that post. Really. After I spewed coffee all over my computer screen from laughing. I realized I probably would have done the same thing!!

feather k said...

I can TOTALLY believe this story...because I know first hand how you are staying alone...glad you didnt have to go all stabbing someone with a curling iron...

Marchelle said...

Hey, maybe you should get a dog! Oh - wait.

Cathy said...

Been there..done that.. Curling iron never crossed my mind but I will mental note that. Being a police dispatcher I have heard stories and suggestions before. Dump a cup of change or full pop can in a sock. I once had 3 kids hear something in their house. They were up in a bedroom and they had a lamp and a sock ready to go. I made sure to tell them to look at the person real good before swinging...good thing they did. It was my officer. Then I chewed him for not telling me he was in the house. He almost got his head taken off with a $5.23 in change. My kids sleep with me when G is out of town.

Jenn said...

LOL Marchelle!

CG - I know it wasn't remotely funny at the time, but dang it's funny now! I'm glad you are all ok. And I'm giggling at the serial killer thing and ET's comment in response. :)

Dreams of a Country Girl said...

ok -- does anybody get that ET thought it was

sorry.....ho ho hee hee giggle giggle snort

Anonymous said...

of course we get it !!! we understand twerp talk.

Sarah said...

Ok. So sorry for your night, esp if you are dragging today. But that was to funny & my son kept asking me what's so funny, as I'm laughing & trying not to wet my pants. Thanks for the funny. Sorry for the night & remember to lock your doors before you send the twerps to bed. Oh don't let ET kill any more cereal.

Ps my son saw the post for world of coke & has been driving me crazy wanting to know when we can go. So field trip next month.

Could you take them?

SondreLyn said...

laughing my hiney off cuz that is hysterical! I. Love. Your. Blog!

Dreams of a Country Girl said...

sarah -- i will be more than happy to take them...BRING EM OVER!!!!

Annette said...

I can totally relate, my husband works away a lot and I think I can handle anything and it does not bother me. Most of the time! But all it takes is one sound and my mind goes right to serial killer, kidnapper! My husband bought me a small handgun, however I did not want to leave it loaded, so we put the gun in one drawer and the ammo in another drawer on the other side of the bed. The flaw, after I take my contacts out I am blind as a bat, by the time I figured out what was going on, got my glasses, gun and ammo, I would have been done for! One of our friends who is a state policeman told me a unloaded gun is just as dangerous as one that is loaded, I took that to mean I should just through it at someone! I don't think that is what he meant! So we just got a big dog, who would totally lick someone to death!

Brandy said...

Oh man CG, you crack. me. up.

Anonymous said...

I love ET....that's so cute. How long did it take her before she realized what you meant? I'm still laughing. That would have been an Uncle Trixie comment...and I can't even say "back in the day" she is still that way. lol Meemaw

Keli said...

Ok, CG I'm sorry I laughed right out loud at this post! I totally got the CEREAL killer thing because my dad, aka Pop, used to do that whole bit when we were younger, I won't got into detail but it was funny! I would have flipped out! I'm totally scared of the dark!