Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Dear Cosmic Void,

I am feeling overwhelmed. And when I feel overwhelmed who do I turn to?

You.

My friends.

My only friends, but I think there is no reason to get into the details right now.

This post most certainly will be disjointed and not proper form or grammar or structure.

But when have I ever adhered to the about? Exactly.

I am sitting in an airport right now. Letting the waves of panic wash over me.

We fired our nanny -- loooong story, but basically she needs to concentrate on her studies right now. And the HUGE kicker was when I arrived home last night and she informed me Middle Twerp had had an accident at school -- at 2:00 so he might smell a little.He had a little touch of diarrhea the day before so I just assumed he had a little ouht-oh and needed a bath.

It was now 5:30. And he had sat in it for 3 and a half hours. He had a rash. She never changed him nor even wiped him. And when I arrived home they had been watching TV since 2:30.

I am so sorry -- but bye.

So I have the battle of balance...yet again. My job vs motherhood. Who am a robbing? Am I selfish? What am a sacrificing?

Then, I drove to Alabama this morning and am now flying to Texas to speak at a conference in the morning. I will be back home tomorrow evening.

IJ got a new boss this week -- who is talking about MOVING US in a year and a half. I am not ready to talk about this. All I have to say is ET!!!!!

Baby Twerp turns 4 this weekend. FOUR. Where has the time gone???? Am I there enough? Is he okay? Is this healthy?

I'm not a stay at home mom. I think the world of stay at home moms. I value them. I admire them. I know I am not one of them. AND THAT IS OKAY.

Right? Anyone?

I miss my family. I miss friends. I miss having a steady lvong babysitter/support system in my life.

ET and her counselor called me on my way to Alabama this morning. ET forgot a language arts paper and told her teacher she felt like a failure -- like she just couldn't get anything right. And she felt like her advanced math class was too hard and she couldn't keep up.

I got her a math tutor 2 times a week in the morning. And I am implementing some organizational skills. And then if I allow myself to think about it even for 10 seconds that wave of panic hits me if I think about 18 more months doing it all again. ALL AGAIN.

I can't. I can't think about it right now. I popped my head up in just enough time to grab a breath and another wave hit me. Overwhelmed. Drowning. Panicked.

I need a vaca -- Linda? Here I come. Please don't lock the door.

I am okay. I am okay. I am okay!!!!!

22 comments:

Katie said...

CG I am soo sorry :(

Quite honestly you handle everything life throws at you with grace - I'm sure you'll come out of this ok.

Brandy said...

aww CG...God has a plan. Worrying is taking on responsibility that He never intended you to have.

Breathe.

Marchelle said...

=( I dont have any answers. But I still love you. Maybe IJ can be a stay at home dad????

And I know its not nice of me to say this, but, MT in those dirty pants all afternoon!?!? HELLO Miss, allow me to introduce you to our friend Common Sense! It ain't fittin! It just ain't fittin I tell ya! Poor MT. =/

Journaling Woman said...

In case you haven't noticed, chaos is the absence of peace. We deserve peace. So stop it already with the chaos in your mind!! Right now you need to find your peace, Girl. Study your soul, clear your mind, take care of your body (and you know what that means)and then listen. The answer (whether it is the answer you want or not) is within you if you listen. The action is always up to you. Prayers -TJ

Dusty Devoe said...

Hang in there! You need to do what works for you. You are a good mother! I would have fired her too! What was she thinking.

Molly said...

Oh CG!!! If I lived near you I would watch your kiddies :) I am very big into prayer and I KNOW it WORKS! I will pray that God will you make the right decision whether its what you want or what God wants. He has a plan and knows whats right for you and your fmaily. I hope and pray everything works out chick. Don't worry, your life is in Gods hands and he want let you down.
~Molly P

Hair Bows & Guitar Picks said...

You WILL be ok and so will your family! You are a strong woman and you can handle all of this...just remember to breath.

Everything and I do mean everything happens for a reason that only God knows...hang in there and you will find out too.

Linda said...

The door is open wide! I will great you with big warm hug and a glass of wine. I will take care of you and your babies. We'll sit on the "beach" with our toes in the water and drink more wine. ELPH can take IJ the kids on the boat/waverunners. Don't worry about a thing. I got it covered.

Rebekah said...

CG--my heart aches for you, because I have been there so many times on the work vs SAHM debate. I wish I had an easy answer for you.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

SAHM - while that offers many a different thought-what mom ever got to just SAH? I chose to be what is essentially a manager - a mom is a manager no matter how you lay it out. Whom else could juggle all the jobs a mom does? I chose to be a manager of my children's lives. Only you can choose what is best for you,your family and children. Just don't use that SAHM like it's a life sentence. These children will be gone from you and IJ before you can turn around. I started the third phase of my careers when I was over 50. My mom career was the absolutely best thing I have ever done. This is the second best career...teaching was not my thing...I had to start off with a lower paying job and responsibility but that led to where I am today. I make a great deal of money and love my position with a development company. I would not ever take for that SAHM for some or manager of my children or whatever anyone wants to call being a mom who chooses her children on a daily basis. As the lady said above, it is there for you to find within yourself. You probably already know that answer but can't quite open that door. After all, our children did not ask to come to this world, we begged for God to give them to us on loan for only a short time. As humans, we are faced with challenges daily and decisions to make that are hard. I am faced with one now...do I stay with a man I have been married to for 40 years who has never been faithful, but one I can finally move on from? Do I still stay for my children or do I finally live for myself? I still so hate to break their hearts. So be kind to yourself and love the kids. That baby sitter/nanny.....put her in dirty poop pants for awhile. I am only going as anonymous for my privacy at this time.

Dana and Daisy said...

I can't comment, because I might say it all wrong, but I am listening, I am listening.

I can't believe that girl did that to MT.

you got a lot of good comments above so if mine seems lame, just read those other ones, okay!

love you CG!

Jennifer said...

A job with less (no) travel? Would an 8- 5 schedule do away with the need for a nanny?

Anonymous said...

I spent most of my working life on the road (I hate airports). It's a tough life---and it is tough on the Kids and the Spouse.
But if it brings you joy and fulfillment, stay with it. In the long run, you and your whole family will be better off for it-- and closer.

That doesn't mean there will not be tears and heartache. Count on it.

Just remember, what seems insurmountable today will most likely be forgotten in a week or two.

love
gramps

Anonymous said...

I spent most of my working life on the road (I hate airports). It's a tough life---and it is tough on the Kids and the Spouse.
But if it brings you joy and fulfillment, stay with it. In the long run, you and your whole family will be better off for it-- and closer.

That doesn't mean there will not be tears and heartache. Count on it.

Just remember, what seems insurmountable today will most likely be forgotten in a week or two.

love
gramps

Alyssa said...

CG - First - where are you in Texas, anywhere near college station? Its a big state but I can find some box wine and we can chat! Remember sometimes God calms the child and not the storm. Learn to dance in the rain - you carry yourself with such grace and supreme generosity that I KNOW you are a WONDERFUL mother - stay home or working your career. Just think - God has a plan for you, who else would be so qualified to fight for children's education like you do?

As far as that nanny...um, well, I most likely would have hit her, um, probably. I can be a fighter, not a lover. I'll come hit her for you. Poor MT - what humillation to not even be helped when he got home...sure poop is no fun but that girl clearly had no compassion for the little guy. You are better off - God has a PLAN.

ET - Sounds like She is having trouble adjusting to the start of school - we've all been there! Upon almost completing my Master's I am STILL a perfectionist about grades. I'd bawl if I forgot an assignment, and well I'm still not good at math. Think of it this way - at least she cares - she could not give a hoot about forgetting that paper. At least she is couragous enough to tell her teacher how she feels instead of suffering and stressing out in silence - people can help her because she is brave enough to tell someone how she feels - many adults can't do that! Her teachers will see that and work with her. Great job on the tutor - find activities that she can do and excel in. Does she like art? Maybe an afterschool art program - something to give her a creative outlet and a way to let that stress go. It's not the end of the world - I know she can do it!!!

BT - Happy Early Birthday Little Big Man! Embrace it, love the little man he is becoming :) Have another, who knows!

A move - that is scary. But again, God has a plan. You and IJ will know what to do. Try to relax and breathe and not worry. Get some wine, ice cream, etc.

You can do it! We beleive in you, IJ, ET, MT & BT!!!

Farmgirl Paints said...

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately too and I'm a SAHM! So I can't imagine how you juggle it all. It has to be extremely hard. There are so many opportunities in a day to feel guilty.

I'm sure your kids are fine. I know from reading your blog daily that you are a great mom, so don't sweat the small stuff, pray for a new nanny and cross the moving bridge when it comes. Deep breaths...in and out, in and out.

Goodwife said...

You hang in there girl. Stop right now and give it all to God.....He is the one that you need to turn it all over to and He will take care of it all! I am a stay at home momma, most of the women that I know work. I've worked in the past and I know that it doesn't work for me. I know women who've tried to stay home and that doesn't work for them. You have to do what works for you and your family and not worry about what other folks do! Once again, give it to God, total surrender even if it means He is leading you in a direction that you aren't totally sure you want to go in.......He will never ever steer you wrong!

J said...

OH, CG! I'm so sorry that you have all of this going on. I just recently returned to work ~ fulltime ~ after being SAHM for 7 years. It's hard, I know! I will pray for you. :)

Anonymous said...

Amen to what everyone else has said. I tried both but SAHM won out. I finally went back to work when bro was in jr high. I always felt like maybe I should have worked those years and been further ahead $wise.Not too long ago WM commented on a email/blog what she rememebered most about her childhood......it was all the summers at home w/mom,uncle trixie and bro playing ball, just hanging out. (not a lot to do out in the country lol) That answered my question. I'm too much of a control freak....nobody could take care of them better than me....they were (still are) my babies. Everyone is different...could you do your job on a part time basis? job share???
God will take care of your needs.
Meemaw

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

I am new to your blog...but have enjoyed reading it tonight...Hope you are having a better day today...

You have super cute kids.....

Hope you will stop by and visit my new Christmas blog that I launched today.

Chris said...

I can't believe that nanny!
Just take it one step at a time and you will make it.

The author said...

I agree with everyone else and just can't get over the fact that she let MT sit in his pants for over 3 hours! I've never let my "kiddies" do that when I was a nanny or worked at a daycare or to my own baby. How awful. If we lived in the same timezone, the same state, in the same new town I'd be jumping up and down saying "pick me!"