Coach Country Girl

MmmKay. So I signed the boy twerps up to play flag football starting every Saturday in March. Why? Cause I am bored and do not have enough on my plate. Historically, I am opposed to outdoor sports. I do not like the variable of weather - which inevitably leads to me either sweating (which is against my religion so you basically can't make me do it) or obtaining frizzy hair due to rain (which is against your religion so I can't do that either). As you can see, it is quite the predicament.

So I make my spawn play indoor sports to enhance my ease and level of comfort. It's just the kind of mom I am. Love and accept my faults.

Anyhoo, in a moment of insane CRAZINESS and possessed by sport demons, I must have checked the box to be a coach. A football coach. For boys. On a team.

Begin the prayer and fasting.

So when I got the below email that began like this....

Hi Coach's,

Just a friendly reminder about the Coaches meeting that is
scheduled for this Sunday, Feb. 28th @ 1:30pm.

The details for the meeting are below.

Please reply to this email to confirm 2 things:

1. Will you be attending the meeting?

2. What t-shirt size will you need?

Thanks and see you Sunday!

I passed out.

When I came to I pulled myself together. I mean seriously, HOW HARD CAN IT BE? They are 4 and 5 year olds! I can teach them what I know -- which is this...

1. One kid puts the ball between his legs and throws it to the Quarter back (please notice the correct name I gave this kid. I will save this for practice #3. It is more advanced)
2. The Quarter Back then throws the ball to another kid way down close to the in zone (again, football vocab abounds within me)
3. That kid should catch it
4. And run
5. Cross the line and we get points
6. As a bonus someone can kick a field goal (for 3 more points) Maybe?

Defense -- stop them from doing the above. Amen.

Okay, I feel better. I think I have it all under control. Then I read on...

I have attached a few documents for your review. You will find our coaching standards and rules. We want your experience with us to be as rewarding for you as it is for our players, so just relax and let's have some fun. (HOW SWEET. I love this person already!)

I have listed your name below and the division you are setup to coach. (I am in the Beginner Section. I am feeling better already)

Please reply to this e-mail and let me know if you would like to co-assist with another parent and I will collect your birth date and shirt size. (That seems a little personal. And can I have a baby doll tee? Preferably Pink. I can bedazzle it myself.)

You will then be ready for the coach's exam. (PUMP THE BREAKS. Insert me passing out once more.)

You are now ready to take the Coaches Exam. If you have already taken the exam from a prior season, you do not have to take it again. You are already certified. -Please go to the following link. There will be no retests.

If I send you the link can we take it together? Can I just say I made a mistake? Can I join the National Guard and get deployed? They have to legally let me out of my obligation. HAVE YOU SEEN FOOTBALL DADS? They are serious? VERY SERIOUS! Maybe I can start a cheerleading group for the team. OR I CAN BE THE CHEERLEADING GROUP! Yes, THAT IS WHAT I WILL DO. I will be the cheerleading coach. I will say I thought the box was for a 4 and 5 year old coach to CHEER! I already have my pom poms and boom box. Are you ready for this? Dunt Dunt Dunt Dunt Dunt Dunt Dunt. JAZZ HANDS.

Stay tuned.....

My Thighs are Possessed By Donna Summer

My momma and Aunt B came out to visit me in the Deep South. To eat grits and drink sweet tea and hug and kiss.

I come from a family of huggers and kissers. IJ thinks it weird. He wants kisses? He wants hugs? HE CAN'T HANDLE THE KISSES! HE CAN'T HANDLE THE HUGS!

Sorry - I digress.

But my beautiful cousin met me, my momma, Aunt B, and ET in the city and we went had some giggle and laughs and someone mighta wet her pants she laughed so hard. But I ain't gonna call her out. Cause that might embarrass me. And what would one expect after all that taste testin. Lordy Be. Anyhoo -- use Southern Girls met up with our Southern Boys for some important stuff. Hot. Fudge. Sundaes. That. Make. My. Thighs. Sing. Forth. In. Glory. This particular day, they sang out some Donna Summer. They looked over at IJ and said...Oh I need you, by me. Beside me, to guide me. To hold me, to scold me. Cause when I'm bad...

And it was like magic -- in unison the whole restaurant began to dance to my thighs. Oh my my my.My spawn can't take me anywhere.My thighs just have no self discipline.

I Can't Even Type It Into the Title. That's How Much It Makes My Hiney Clinch

I love words. MmmKay. That is a gross understatement. I big pink fuzz heart with glitter love words. With a cherry on top.

It is also ironic. Cause I never use words correctly. Like I don't follow the rules or use them in the right context. But I never have been one to fit the mold. Unless its a Jello mold. Then we can negotiate cause I love orange Jello. Amen.

Anyhoo, in real important meetings at work with really smart people I sometimes make up words. And think they might not notice. I don't really like to label them as "made up words," but I challenge us to think of them as words not yet discovered. I am a birther of words. I have word spawn. And the stretch marks to prove it. Amen.

Or sometimes I combine words to give the facade that I am smart and hip and cool and they are all dorks for not knowing about the words. I like to think I am increasing their vocabulary. It's like I use both slang and language. I speak slanguage. Hick slanguage. I also speak Pig Latin. It's nice to be bilingual. Oh, you only speak Mandarin Chinese? Yeah, I eat their oranges. Daily. Try to contain your jealousy. Don't hate, apprecaite.

One of my finer moments was when I mixed up the words reGard and reTard. Minor error.

And most recently, I said "She doesn't need your condensation." Instead of condescension. Details Schmetails. I think both could be true. Think about what the humidity does to your hair. I was trying to look out for her at all angles. Or is it angels?

But there is one word on the English language that makes my hiney clinch and my toes curl. I can't stand it. I hate to be do persnickety about it. But its just true dadgummit.

Now I am a lover not a fighter and I love and embrace all, but if one thing could bring me to disdain, its this word aversion. Just sayin it makes me feel awkward and I begin to dry heave.

Moist.

{excuse me, I need a moment}

This word is good for nothing. Except cake. And please don't ruin my moment of intimate love while eating cake by using this satanic adjective to depict it. Please just call it "My thighs sing forth in glory." I think we all can agree this is true.

Now this word seems to be poppin up everywhere Moist Towelette. Seriously? I just picture a damp breeding ground for mold growth. I can literally see the bacteria doubling. Moist. Yug.

But now serendipitous. Ohhhh...that word makes my skirt fly up. And giggle and smithereens and tickle and glitter and snort. Now those are words a girl can live by.

But moist?!?! I beseech you dear brethren - turn, repent, for the kingdom in near!

Please Dear Lord let that word be no more forever. Amen.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday to someone sweeter than Tupelo Honey. Sure his birthday is gone, but I am missing him and wanted to take a look at how adorable he is.

But I also wanted us to observe Baby Twerp over the next few picture.

Anytime food gets around this child he is plotting and planning.

Sneaky little sucker, isnt he? And then let's take a look at Middle Twerp. And his expression anytime presents are around.

I think it is very evident which one takes after his momma. Thats all I am sayin, Amen.

A Southern Snowman

We rarely are graced with the presence of this white miracle here in the South, so we take every advantage we can before it and its magic melts away. Yesterday, while Eldest Twerp was spending the night at a friend's house I looked at Middle and Baby Twerp and asked, "Ya'll wanna make a snowman?"They looked at me with their "What you talkin about Willis?" eyes.

Then I realize -- these poor sheltered Southern children have no clue how to build a snowman. What kind of unfit mother is raisin them? Lord have mercy!

So I begin my passing of the snowman legacy to my spawn.

Only to soon realize I have no clue what I am doing either! And soon my thighs are burnin and I am (please brace yourself) SWEATIN!!!!

I had to take a moment.
We decorated our snowman with candy and scarves and hats and Dr Pepper lipgloss. Cause any respectable southern girl would never leave the house without her lipgloss. At this point and time the boys start checkin out the work. And soon I realized I did not pass inspections. They were NOT impressed with my work. Since I was proud as a peacock with my stunning gal, I MADE them pose for a photo moment. You can see how serious they took this moment. MT was so embarrassed with the shoddy artsmanship he had to leave the premises. And as soon as I walked away they turned all boy on me....

Macho Randy Savage possess my spawn at the most inopportune moments.
Have I mentioned I wanted girls?

I Am Woman Hear Me Roar

Well an Arctic Winter Blast has nuzzled his way into the Deep South. He even set up camp on MY street. I mean I can hardly blame him. We are awful hospitable here in the south and all. We draw people in with our sweet tea and hugs. With our callin everyone "sweetie" and our fluffy arm chairs. With our gingham towels and grits. Its just what we do.

But normally when we send the monogrammed invites out, the guest list only includes Sunshine and Magnolia Trees and Spanish Moss. I guess it is high time we start embracing and accepting all.

So we embraced....And laughed

And started to love and accept our new guest.

Maybe we could get use to this new friend in our lives.

Maybe we had enough love to share. Maybe we should have invited for him all along.

I threw the invite out but I had not planned on the fact that by loving and embracing this new friend, there would be certain ramifications for a certain 6-year-olds birthday party. The Star Wars invites had gone out. And when Mr Blizzard hit, the guests all had to send their regrets... And when a certain almost six year old found out his party was canceled.....

all Hades broke loose....

And apparently it was contagious....cause soon a hallelujah choir was singing the blues.

And what is a momma to do?

Why what any good Southern Woman would do -- bring out the hospitality. And YES -- I know it was early and the night before. Go ahead. Let the judgement flow. But I just can't say no. And they each get a certain amount of gifts on their birthday. This year MT asked for half of his gifts to go to his little brother. These are the things that make my heart swell. Others.

But soon the gifts were unwrapped and we were ready for the cake and ice cream. Only slight problemo was I could not get down my nine kinds of crazy steep driveway. IJ said there was no way. Only an emergency could get us down that driveway.

Why this Southern Gal had a party to give -- And what would a party be without some cake and ice cream? No Arctic blast could challenge this momma. So I improvised...

a little.

If this Country Girl learned anything from her roots....
It was how to make some killer snow ice cream.

The only thing missing now was the cake...

So after a little bit of this and a little more of that....

It was shake and bake....

I was practically a 19th century pioneer woman

or something like that. Just cause we could not get down our driveway,w e were not letting that slow us down.

Oooohhhh yeahhh....This Birthday Boy can make some cake.....

I mean every good chef has to taste test, right????

Or as my friends from the south say --Help me Hey Zeus

Since we were snowed in with no possible way to get to any grocery we decided to call the family in for cake and ice cream. IJ? IF? Where artst thou IJ?

Uhm, I thought you said we could not get down the driveway? That there was no way we could get cake and ice cream. That there would have to be a serious emergency to get us out???

Then he looks at me with that wild hunter and gather look in his eyes..He was low on beer.