Sunday, July 27, 2008

Empty

It was six years ago today. Wow. Six. Years. Ago.

Somedays is seems like another life time. Other days it seems like it was yesterday that the doctors sent me home and said...

i am sorry. there is nothing we can do. it is empty.

Empty. Empty? What does that mean? How can it be empty? For the past ten weeks I have talked to this baby, dreamed with this baby, planned with this baby, shared with everyone this baby, and changed everything for this baby. And now you are telling me there is no baby? That I was believing in something that was never there? That this gestational sac is a shell and EMPTY? It was more than I could bear.

I spotted through the entire pregnancy but being the obsessive compulsive person I am, I researched and realized this was completely normal and I had nothing to worry about -- NOTHING. So I pushed it to the back of my mind and planned. I read every book out there and joined every class and bought a maternity shirt and held my belly -- cause I was going to bring forth new life. But something did not seem right -- but I had never been pregnancy before so what did I know?

I packed my bags at nine weeks and took 60 teenagers on a mission trip. I was only supervising and doing no manual labor and I was the momma on the trip...this was my fourth mission trip and I had no worries...at least none I was admitting.

But then the brown spotting turned pink, and then red, and then....then...gushing...and I took myself to the ER.

Indiana Jones met me there. I knew everything was going to be okay. I just knew it. It was a polyp or a pimple or a cyst or a third kidney that fell out, but I knew my baby was okay.

When the ultrasound tech got there at 2 am, he was not so chipper so his downcast demeanor during the examination I blamed on the inhumane time of the morning. Then I asked him...so show me the heart beat and the next few seconds sucked away every bit of life, hope, and sanity I had ever known. He said, I can't...the doctor will need to talk to you.

I knew. I knew at that moment it was bad. But I still had not given up all hope. Maybe it was twins and they shared something or maybe it needed some type of surgery or maybe it was just going to be high risk....maybe....hope.

The doctor walked in and said...i am sorry. there is nothing we can do. it is empty. go home and miscarry.

Go home and miscarry? I am thousands of miles from home sharing a room with six teenage girls and I will not go home and miscarry cause it is not empty. It is not. I know there was a baby. I know. I might have not held him, but I loved him and I cannot...will not...should not have to believe it was all a farce. A cruel joke played by nature...an Ah Ha...Gotcha. It was there. It had to be there.

Apparently the baby died about 5 weeks and all that was left was an empty sac. Empty.

I went back to the hotel and spent my night in the bathroom. Waiting.

And at 7 am with 60 teenagers in vans waiting for me...I had my empty sac. In the toilet. In a hotel toilet. And I could not flush it. No matter what the doctor or experts or anyone said. I could not flush it. I made Indiana Jones call the hospital. They said flush it. I had to leave the room. Someone needed to celebrate this small but valuable person. At least it was to me.

So I climbed aboard for the 12 hour journey home while 60 pairs of eyes looked on.

And now, finally, I felt empty.

19 comments:

Kim said...

Thank you for sharing what must be a deep and painful memory. I cannot imagine.

Giraffe Spender said...

God Bless you. Through your sharing, God will find a way to help heal others....and more healing for you.

His hands wrap around you in love and peace - for you AND the one who matters to you, still.

Monica said...

I have been a lurker forever. I love reading about all your adventures! You crack me up and have also made me cry. My experience of "feeling empty" was 3 and a half years ago. Regardless of what anyone says or how much time goes on, I still ask myself the what if and the why questions. We ended up adopting a one year old little boy a year later and then getting pregnant seven months later, but the first baby will also be a part of me and our family. You are much better at putting it into words. Thanks for sharing.

theotherblonde said...

What an swful experience that must have been for you and memory to have. My heart went out to you reading while reading this. ((HUGS))

Jenn said...

I'm sorry you had to go through that experience. However, I'm glad IJ was there with you. Thank you for sharing. HUGS.

Jenn said...

I'm sorry you had to go through that experience. However, I'm glad IJ was there with you. Thank you for sharing. HUGS.

spanki said...

wow, once again i felt like i was reading one of the post i might would write! i know what you felt and what you still mourn! i was first told i could not conceive as a senior in high school, it didn't sink in until i got engaged and knew a family was our "next step". then out of the blue...pregnant and healthy and normal...for 13 weeks, then all in one day all of my planning and naming and changing, it ended! a few years after the birth of our twins, came another pregnancy, this time only 3 weeks in, i was now empty, again. the third miscarriage came while i was in the hospital with my father right after he got diagnosed with brain cancer. on the way home the dreaded spotting and another loss.... the 4th and 5th were twins. at 9 weeks, one lost in the fight for life, but the other was a fighter, it was on it's way to making it into my arms...until... the 14th week, when my body decided it needed to release the first twin, and like you i was told to go home, all would be fine, and the 2nd baby would be spared. i too could not flush, i handed my mass of baby to my husband to go place in the ground under a big oak in the yard. sleep was little that night, but the pain returned by morning and we went to the hospital, this one was not ready to lose it's life it fought a hard fight, it had a heart beat and was moving up until surgery time... the emotions are still so raw. but... my Father has a plan... not one i can always understand, but one i know is right for me. so here we are with four precious babies to hold and touch, but a piece of my heart is with the five that are sitting in the lap of Jesus waiting... God bless you and all of your children, the ones that walk beside you and the one that walks beside Him!

Train Wreck said...

Heart breaking! I am truly sorry for your loss. I too can relate, I am not ready to explain just yet. It has been 16 yrs.I remember everyday, the pain and heartache, I went through.. alone.My first husband was in total denial, no comfort there. I still remember, I still ache... I am sorry you had to go through the emptiness. You are strong for sharing.

Treasia said...

I am so sorry for you loss CG. I experienced my own emptiness some years ago myself. It would have been my miracle Christmas baby. A part of me always grieves this loss over the holiday's.

3SonsAreMyLove said...

What Makes A Mother...
Author: Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel
your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this
God, I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and
cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,With all the other
children and say...

We go to Earth to learn our lessons,of love and life and
fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come strait here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in
My home,And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me
one day and know that you are
the best one!"

Dana Jones said...

I'm praying God will hold your hand today Country Girl.
Love, Dana

cynthia said...

oh girl! that was so painful for me to read so i can't imagine how you must have and still do feel.

this verse comes to mind...
"for I know the plans I have for you", Jer 29:11

we may never know or understand, but He does.

thinking of you today.

ptamom3 said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult it was too hold in your emotions around a group of that size. I bet you were glad to get back in the privacy of your own home to mourn. Look at the beauties you have now :) Very precious!

Working Mom said...

i have no words!! except that you made me cry and i wish we lived closer because i would bring you a DP lipsmacker and a hug.

Becky :) said...

I can't imagine. But feel honored that you would share something so intimate with all of us.
If I could make my arms reach I would give you a great big ol hug.!!!

CindyDianne said...

This must be a very difficult time for you! I am so sorry.

Ansbaughmom said...

It is so hard to deal with that -especially when you werent at home. I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks-in between my first and second child. It is so hard. I am sorry you still having the feelings from it. Here's a hug from me !!

lomelindi said...

I had almost the same experience, except I had been pregnant before, and I knew something wasn't right. At about 6 weeks along I lost the "symptoms" of being pregnant, except I didn't miscarry. We were also traveling, moving to another state, and I finally decided that my misgivings were all my imagination, and as I was 13 weeks along I decided it was time to but some maternity clothes as my old ones were for the wrong season. That night I also miscarried in the toilet and I was terrified to look to see what was there. I ended up in the hospital and had to have a D&C as I wouldn't stop cramping and bleeding. I was lucky as because I knew something was wrong I never let myself become attached, so I didn't grieve as you are. Unfortunately, later that year, I miscarried a little boy that I carried 20 weeks. That was hard, terribly, terribly hard. He was perfect, I just had him too soon. It has been over 20 years and I still grieve for him. It has gotten easier over the years, and I know I will get to see him some day, and tell him how much he was loved. I will pray for you, and I am sending you a hug through cyberspace, you are not alone, I also understand.

bakerchick103 said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the others losses as well. It reaffirms just how blessed I am to have my precious babies. Sending you some love, sister.