I Said I Wanted GIRLS!!!!

Sometimes I do not have a lick of sense about me.

None. Nada. Not even a drop.

And to just prove it -- I took my spawn to the REPTILE show this weekend. I have had brighter ideas in my lifetime.But they oooohhhhedand ahhhhed.

And touched and petted and felt... I stood back safely behind the camera lens.

Cause I am allergic to snake bites and all.

Especially this one -- in which it was explained to me that this poor little guy could NEVER survive in the wild because without his pigment he could not camouflage himself. And he would surely DIE.

And this would be a problem becaaause???? I mean look at him -- he is STRANGLING this poor guy. I almost threw him outside myself and then made some CAH CAH noises. Just in case the birds were around and all.But not my little Baby Twerp.He was in reptile heaven.Which is also know as human hell -- but that is neither here nor there right now. Anyhoo -- Baby Twerp decided he wanted to take one home -- Uhm, exsqueeze me? When I told IJ, this is the response -- Ha ha ho ho giggle giggle snort. NO.In which BT replied with wailing and gnashing of teeth. Hello God? Are you there? It is me, Country Girl. I said I wanted GIRLS!!!!

Smores: Good Parenting At Its Finest

Last night was rainy and windy and not the kind of evening you would want to sit around outside by a campfire and roast some smores.

However, that is EXACTLY what I had promised my spawn that we would do -- for days now I have said,

Tuesday night when daddy is out of town, we will go roast smores and tell ghost stories. I PROMISE!!! So being the Country Girl that I am, we had to improvise. I mean I am all about going outside and living up to my promises -- unless there is lightning involved. So we went to Plan BSmores Indoors.Which sounds all great and dandy.And creative and sweet.

And even good parenting at its finest.

Until you see the amount of smoke one of these burnt puppies can create. Then the smoke alarm starts going off.

Then the neighbors come over.

Then the firemen arrive.

So much for parenting at its finest.

Gulp.

Actual Converstaion #4682

Middle Twerp is sitting in time out right now for beating up Baby Twerp.

Here is the actual conversation takin place at this very moment.

"I am just a bad boy. I bad bad bad very bad boy. Every night I be bad." SOB SOB SOB

"MT, you are not a bad boy you just made a bad decision."

"I know, but my brain is more powerful then my heart. That is why I made the bad decisions."

"No, Middle Twerp your heart is so much stronger than your brain. You have Jesus in your heart. And he is more powerful than your thoughts in your brain."

"No, actually I don't have Jesus in my heart."

"You DON'T?"

"No, actually my brain punched Jesus right out of my heart two minutes ago."

"He did, how?"

"Cause I ate unhealthy food when you weren't looking and it made my brain all powerful and it reached down and punched Jesus right out my heart. It punched him right out of my heart and into the mountains and then a snapping turtle just bit Jesus. And now he is hurt and can't come back in my heart and that is why I made bad choices."

"Wow, how can we get Jesus back in your heart?"

"I don't know."

"You think we can pray and ask him back into your heart?"

"He won't come back. Cause the speed is all out of him and he doesn't have power anymore cause the brain punched him so hard it knocked the speed right out of him."

"Let's try and pray. Dear Jesus, will you please forgive me and come back into my heart and help me not listen to my brain and make better choices. Amen."

"Amen." Sniff sniff "Okay, Ready Jesus -- You want a piece of us Brain?" {insert fists}

Update From Yesterday. AKA Yesterday Part II

Dear Friends,

I like to start my posts to you as if we're already in the middle of a conversation. I pretend that we are the oldest and dearest friends as opposed to what we actually are. People who don't know each others names and met on a blog where we all claimed we've never been before. What will my followers say today I wonder.

I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it loads. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I see three little words: You've got comments.

I hear nothing. Not even a sound of my Twerps, just the beating of my own heart. I have comments... from you.

That is how special you all make me feel. And I truly read every single comment and take everyone of them to heart.

That is why I must address my sweet, precious, tender-hearted and brave ~ Amy.

Amy commented on yesterday's post and said....
boys will be boys is not a good adage to follow in life. boys are cruel and you just say "boys will be boys" so that makes it ok? Boys bully and pick on other children, or animals, and you excuse it with "boys will be boys"? wow, that's depressing.

Oh sweetie, your compassion of others and animals is touching. But I feel I must clarify a few potential misconceptions.

1. Middle Twerp DID NOT kill that bird. It was actually dead in our side yard. I do not know if one of the neighborhood cats got it or if it was sick. Either way -- it is not the ideal toy for my 5-year-old.

2. I know you do not know my Twerps well at all, but I can tell you this: Middle Twerp is the most compassionate and sensitive kid out there. He takes in every stray and "homeless" animal. He makes me walk around ant hills so I don't "murder" any of them with my shoes. He saves the crust off his sandwiches and takes them after dinner to the backyard for the "homeless" animals to eat. He cares. And he did not for a minute even realize that bird was dead. He just thought it was a little lethargic. Seriously.

3. Boys - Can boys be cruel? Yes. Is it unacceptable? ABSOLUTELY. But I will say from personal experience, in my life I have been the recipient (and sometimes the giver) of very cruel and mean acts. And I can say without a shadow of a doubt that while boys can be cruel and mean, it has been my overwhelming experience, that girls can also be the culprit of cruelness. We can be biddy and manipulative and CRUEL. I have experienced it from women (mainly just one that will go unmentioned states away), many more times than boys. I hear what you are saying, but it goes both ways.

4. I think there is not a soul alive that does not agree that cruelness and bullying (in any gender) is unacceptable and NOT tolerated. But, I must say...Middle Twerp was not being cruel to this bird in any way shape of form. He was being a BOY -- and what we mean by that is a girl would have crinkled her nose, squealed, and ran (on her tippie-toes) to tell her brother. Who would have picked it up and played football and tried to make it fly. It's not cruel -- it is just the difference in boys and girls.

Thanks for your compassion. We need more people like you who are brave enough to speak up when cruelty is occurring. I just wanted to clarify that this was not one of those instances.

I love you all.

Big Pink Fuzzy Heart With Glitter,
Country Girl

Heaven Help Me

A few weeks ago Middle Twerp was outside playing and wearing out some of his vinegar. ya know what i am sayin. When he came back in I asked him what he was doing outside.

He said "Playin with a bird."

Mmmmm-kay -- whatever, the kid has a imagination like no other. I made lunch, we run a few errands, take a nap and then the Twerps are back outside again.

Middle Twerp comes in all sweaty and red-faced. He goes to get a drink of water and I inquire once again what he has been playin.

He replies, "Bird Football."

Huh? What is up with this BIRD OBSESSION and what is Bird Football??

He says, "You know, where the bird is the football."

Huh?

And then he takes me by the hand, leads me outside, and suddenly...it all makes sense. Heaven Help Me!

How We Single Handedly Destroyed Millions of Years of Splunking

I am a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl. So when IJ recommended that I take the Twerps to a CAVE on the way home from the land that flows with milk and honey, I said SURE -- Why NOT? It will be fun, right?

Uhm, well -- let me paint this a different shade of disaster...

What can be worse than three kids locked away in a car on a road trip?

How about three twerps locked underground 300 feet below human existence for hours and told not to touch ANYTHING?

With all kinds of rare National Security stuff you can't touch within inches of my gentic offsprings' clutches and with one drop of grimy oil from my spawns' hands, millions of years of growth will come to a stand still and life as we know it will cease to exist. This is how vaca's should be spent.

So, can I just say for the record there is no longer one stalac-anything that will ever grow again in the cave systems of Tennessee.

All because of this spawn -- Amen.

The cave enthusiast almost pushed him in here.
So did his dad.

Meet My Mother

This is a warning for all the absent minded mothers out there. I am certain there are others like me...right? Hello? Hello?!?!? Anyone? {insert crickets}

Anhoo, if you leave your camera lying around, a little five-year-old Twerp might decide to pick it up and go a little crazy.

As you can see, this is not my fault at all -- but rather the five-year-old Twerp's fault. I take no responsibility.

Sure I am a ham, but we are not talking about ME here people. It is all HIS FAULT!

And just in case you wonder where I get all my craziness from..

Let me introduce you to: MY MOTHER --

Sorry, Mom. I love you!

The Land Flowing With Milk and Honey Has Guests

So, I was back home down on the farm this week. Of course, I abandoned the Twerps for a few days to fly to Texas for a conference. But I stayed long enough to eat peach cobbler and coconut creme pie. And I stayed long enough to snag the coconut creme pie recipe. GASP -- I know. EEEEE.

And LORD HAVE MERCY -- it is the best pie you have ever eaten in your life. AND Lawsie Mercy it is the EASIEST pie you have ever made in your born days. And everybody oooohs and aaaahs and you splash some flour on your face and tie a cute apron on and act like you have been slavin over that hot stove all day -- but you ain't. But I ain't tellin. Nor am I judgin.

Anyhoo, while I was in the Promised Land, I was missin my high speed internet and ability to upload pics and blog. So I called my BBFF (Best Blog Friend Forever) and said Puh Leez come see me so I can have contact with the outside world. And she said NO. And I said, I will share my mom's peach cobbler. And she was there in two and a half hours.

Who? Who is the masked man you might ask?

Du dunt dunt dunt duddle uhhhhh.

Marchelle, my BBFF.I just big pink fuzzy heart with glitter love my BBFF, Marchelle. Ain't we just the cutest thangs you have ever seen? She adds so much to me. Cause me all by myself looks raggedy -- but with Marchelle...I think I might be glistening a little. Lordy Be!

Anyhoo, she made the trip down to the southern end of the state. With all her rug rats. And can I just say I can eat them up?

And this one? He was in heaven.

But you know what happens when you get unrelated spawn under the age of 6 on a farm together don't ya?

You got trouble Folks! Right here in River City. Trouble with a Capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool. (name that musical...anyone? anyone?)

Anyhoo, all I wanted was a sweet little family pic. For my blog and all.

And there was no cooperation going on. Not the least bit.And I ain't one to gossip -- but I am just sayin, you can see right here that no one nary lick of anything good is going on. I am not sure who it was that exactly came up with the scheme that is about to unfold. But I am most certain there is NO POSSIBLE way it could even maybe be this one...... Nope. Nada.Cause he would never instigate these kinds of shenanigans.

He is meek and shy and mild mannered.And just look at that other hooligan there - Lordy Be, have you youngins heard of chiggers? LIB --

Just look at this face and tell me he started it all....

Well, Marchelle and I had no time to actually supervise and do anything with those spawn cause there was wine to drink and gossip to spill -- so we did the only logical thing we knew to do. We made Eldest Twerp babysit.

I mean we gave her a cookie and all. Don't go to judgin.